techno the vote

[mccutcheon]

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[mmenabi]

yay!

bbc on every telly and marmite on every table!

all hail the queen!

cheers~nabi

[ARAGORN]

McCutcheon, that was about the funniest thing I've read in awhile, especially about our penny pinching, money grubbing, so called "leaders", but I prefer to rule MYSELF, lets start the RAVERSREFORM party & take over while we have a chance!!

[mccutcheon]

Every Chad
Down in Chad-ville
Liked voting a lot ...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Chad-ville
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush. But I think the real reason
his trust was so shattered Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never
mattered.
BUT
Whatever the reason,
Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls. He just hated
those speeches and negative ads, And when push came to shove, he just hated
the Chads. He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters, He
just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters. He just hated their
weather, even hated their hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer.
"This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here! "They'll struggle to
choose 'tween a crumb and a bum, " 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how
dumb." Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find
a way to keep outcomes from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew ...
All the flag-waving souls,
Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or Doles.
And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls! Polls!
That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! POLLS!

So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat, They would vote! And
they'd vote!
And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat.
They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat.
And THEN ...
They'd sing that anthem. It always came later.
Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader. They'd stand close
together, and though still full of fight, They'd stand and they'd sing, by
that dawn's early light.
And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring, The more the Grinch
thought, "I must stop this whole thing! "Why, for two hundred years I've
put up with it now!
"I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!
"... But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
Yes, a legal idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig. And into the mirror he spoke
with grand rancor, "With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an
anchor!"
"All I need are some ballots ..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were none to be found. So he made his
own ballot, printing letters quite little, And he scattered the names,
running holes down the middle, And he stuck it together with Chad-berry
spittle. And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"
THEN
He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous Put a sign on his van that
said "Voter News Service."
THEN
The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."
When he came to the first polling place in the square, All the lines were
quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air, As the Chads chatted merits of
managed health care. "Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in.
There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches, And
instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches." As he slunk out
the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt, He could hear what you'd think was
an Elián riot. The Cohens-sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon, Just realized
that their votes had all gone to Buchanan!
At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard, The Grinch donned a
shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard." And he eyeballed each Chad and said,
"Where is your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?
"Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?" And he turned them away.
Then the Grinch, like a fox, Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the
lockbox!
Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV.
He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a score:
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!"
So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!" So the Grinch
Network News, in grand fairness to all Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO
CLOSE TO CALL."
"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal, "It was just," the
Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle. "The science of sampling can leave
one out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled.
And the stress of it all put George Bush among the pimpled!
Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."
After all, George was leading at least by a dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.) "Play the music, the
songs, pop the corks, sing the praises, " 'Cause with Bush as the winner,
you're all getting raises!" And then the Grinch yawned, "This election
stuff's hokey, Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."
And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad. But en route, he was
nabbed by a little Chad lad Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his
dad). He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader?
"Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?"
And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter.
They were finding out now that no outcome was coming!
They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing.
"They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' "
As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes, But the scene
that he saw brought a shocking surprise. All the Chads down in Chad-ville,
Chad lads and Chad dads, They were counting the votes, they were counting
the chads! He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming.
IT CAME!
SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!
As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand Sat puzzling and
puzzling, "They will count them by hand?" Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it
came with the lawyers, It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers.
When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done The last margin of
victory turned out to be ... ONE!
And if the Grinch had just voted,
.... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON!
And what happened then ...
Well ...
In Chad-ville they say
That the Grinch's small district
Grew three sizes that day.

'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump, The Grinch said, "Hmm!
I could be running this dump!" So he formed a committee to do all the work
And he ...
HE HIMSELF!
The Grinch ran for town clerk!