Homework, shit!!!

[bfj]

I missed my writing class yesterday but got the assignments tonight, due for tomorrow. I've got to do a letterman top ten list and write and SNL skit, i haven't got shit for the skit and its midnight and i've got to work tomorrow. here are some old ideas i've kicked around, anyone like any of them?

"Boner Pill" A redneck sitting in bed with a tented boner calls in sick to work cause his boner pill hasn't worn off, split screen phone conversations with his co-workers giving him advice on dealing with the boner.

"Lizard King" A crock hunter spoof as the crock hunter searches a paris hotel room for the mystical lizard king, he finds leather pants, whysky bottles, pagan symbols, morose poetry, a wine glass full of blood and eventually morrison in the bathtub, but the ending is too predictable, who else could I put in the tub to be a surprise that would fit those descriptions?

"Colonostopy (sic)" ahh fuck it i need to come up with more ideas.

[bfj]

I went with Boner Pill, I'm not happy with it but I need to go to bed. Here it is doubt the formatting will work...

INT. TRAILER
BOB, mid-forties, mustache, shirt off is staring down just below the camera lens. He stairs he frowns and picks up an alarm clock and looks at the time.
BOB
Hmmm...
He puts the clock back down. The camera pulls out to reveal he has a large erection covered up by a sheet. He picks up the phone and dials.
SPLIT SCREEN
RAY, gray hair, mustache answers the phone.
RAY
(Redneck accent)
Ray's towin'?
BOB
(Redneck accent)
Umm... Yeah this Bob.
RAY
Where are you Bob? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
BOB
Well see...I took one of dem boner pills.
RAY
Boner pills?
BOB
Like they got on the TV Give you a really long boner.
RAY
They got pills that make it bigger?
BOB
No makes it last a really long time.
RAY
Oh. What's the point in that.
BOB
Well I rented some movies last night and uh wanted to see them through the end.
RAY
Which ones?
BOB
Butt sluts four, Butt sluts five, Butt sluts six...
RAY
I got a niece in Butt sluts six!
BOB
Yeah I know. Well look this uh thing is still up.
Bob taps the top of the sheet.
BOB (CONT'D)
I don't think I can get out of bed unless I can get it to go down.
RAY
When I want mine to go down I usually...
BOB
Yeah I been doin' that. I think it's making it worse.
RAY
Hmmm...
Ray glances from his split screen over Bob's split screen.
RAY (CONT'D)
Wow...
Bob looks over to Ray's split screen.
BOB
Hey quit it.
Ray looks off frame right.
RAY
Hey Luanne! You know how to get rid of boners? Bob can't get rid of his boner!
BOB
Well don't tell everyone!
RAY
Hold on. I'm gonna give you to Luanne, she's good at this.
LUANNE take the phone from Ray.
LUANNE
(chewing gum)
Hey Bobby. Watcha doin'.
BOB
Uh, nothing. Ray still there?
Ray pops his head in.
RAY
He can't get rid of his boner!
LUANNE
That right?
BOB
(sighs)
Yup.
LUANNE
Well did you try...
BOB
Yup.
LUANNE
Maybe I could come over and...
(whispers into phone)
Bob's eyebrows raise and he looks down at his erection. It gets bigger.
BOB
Umm...uh. No, no stop it. You're makin' it worse!
LUANNE
Try thinking of something nasty like dead puppies.
Bob stares at his boner and concentrates, presumably thinking about dead puppies. He squints with one eye trying to will the erection down.
LUANNE (CONT'D)
That workin'?
BOB
No.
Luanne glances from her split screen to Bob's.
LUANNE
Jesus!
Bob stares again and concentrates.
BOB
Nah that ain't working either.
Ray pops back in, holding a chain and takes the phone.
RAY
I got it! Way I see it ya' got two options. We could send a truck over, tie a chain around it and use a winch to pull it down...
Bob looks horrified.
RAY (CONT'D)
or I can let you talk to Clarence.
Bob looks even more horrified.
BOB
Maybe we'll do the chain and winch...
CLARENCE, flaming gay, his work shirt tied in a knot showing his stomach burst in and grabs the phone from Ray.
CLARENCE
Hey Bobby... I heard about your little problem...or should I say big problem
(giggles)
BOB
Uh yeah...
CLARENCE
Really? How big?
BOB
I ain't gonna' tell you!
CLARENCE
Well I'll tell you what I could do for you.
Clarence holds cups his hand over his mouth and the receiver and whispers in audibly into the phone. Bob's face grimaces and he winces.
BOB
(painfully)
Keep talkin', keep talking.
The erection starts to go down.
BOB (CONT'D)
Keep talkin'...
It is nearly down when Bob hears something extremely disturbing and shoots a puzzled look to Clarence's side of the split screen. Clarence smiles and winks. The erection shoots back up.
CLARENCE
So I'll see you later?
BOB
Yeah.
Bob hangs up the phone and picks up the remote control.
HUSKY MALE VOICE
(O.S.)

[bfj]

Had my first writing class, and "Boner Pill" went over really well. (though I don't think anyone on this board has read it). I was surprised since I rushed it last night but it was an old idea, it's a good thing I've got a couple of those floating around in case I get in a rush. Maybe I should clean the tuna off my walls...

[bfj]

that's me girlfriend in time square in the picture, I saved you all the horror of the picture of me and mccutcheon, who just don't photograph well digitally.

[TragicPixie]

I read it ... but I was ... um ... hysterical over something else so although Iw as going to say I thought it was decent I couldn't figure out how to reply.

But now I'm drunk - not hysterical and crying so ... I can ... and although it's late I thought it was decent.

[marky]

I wish we all could go out to Denny's sometime and talk about this kind of shit all the time.

But they don't serve alcohol at Denny's.

Has anyone ever mixed Champagne with Ice Cream?

[TragicPixie]

I've never done champagne with ice cream but I bet it'd be good.

vanilla ice cream and coconut rum over warm rice is also really, really yummy.