Tour de Lance

Feel free to discuss any sport but NASCAR
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Tour de Lance

Post by Sloth »

Well I overslept through the fucking Wimbledon final again (it was on a t 6:30 in the morning so that's not surprising) and it seems like Federer won. He was definitely playing the best of anyone so I guess that's a good result. Roddick is dating Mandy Moore, a little Britnney Spears wannabe, and therefore doesn't need to finish any higher than second. I long for the return of the cocaine snorting tennis players of the 70's and the crazy Scotsman of the 80's. Men's tennis is not as exciting as women's tennis. One the women's side we have the Amazons against the fat ex-drug addicts against the sexy Russians. Who ever heard of sexy Russians before Anna? I mean the James Bond Russian women were all played by Germans or Scandanavians. When I was in Russia the women were butt ugly and large. I dated a Russian once, and she was okay but she lived in Germany for most of her life anyway.

Last month I had my first sports injury and could not walk for two weeks. Yesterday I played tennis ace Maverick and managed to squeeze out a few sets 9-7, 6-1. My ankle felt good and I am much more aggressive because I realize every game of tennis might be my last. I have learned the fear of death and impotence. This is a motivating factor is aggressiveness. Asd a kid I was never beat up. I was always offered beer, joints, hugs, and kisses. I didn't get paranoid until I started doing harder drugs and that's when my creative spark started to grow. You can't be a writer without having something seriously wrong with you. It just doesn't work.

Tour de Lance?

Lance Armstrong (who should change his name to France Legstrong if you ask me) is going for the record sixth Tour de France victory this year. As you probably know cycling is a huge sport in Europe, right behind football (soccer for you nonentities) and criticizing American foreign policy.

Lance Armstrong is constantly accused of doping and drug abuse, and he has never failed a drug test (just like I never passed one). Of course they are not testing him for ecstasy or marijuana or cocaine or heroin. They are testing him for steroids and performance enhancing (as opposed to lifestyle enhancing) drugs.

Lance Armstrong claims he is the most tested athlete of all time. People (especially the French) cannot seem to comprehend how an anomoly like him could arise so soon after Greg Lemond. Americans have now won more Tours de France than the French. Sacre Bleu!

The race started yesterday with a 6.1 km time trial in Belgium, home of the best moules-frites (musselss and fries) and arguably beer in the world (Stella Artois, Duvel, Chimay, Hoegaarten, etc).

Lance took 2nd place in the prologue and is currently 2 seconds behind the leader. This is strategy. Apparently Lance is trying to stay out of the lead until later in the race. Being in the lead so early would cause him team to subconsciously fight to keep it. Being in second place keeps the eyes on the prize.

Okay gotta go, Tour coverage with Phil Ligget and the venerable Bob Roll (who looks like Sloth from the Goonies and can't even pronounce Tour de France) starts soon.
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

Jason Lee is doing the commercials for the Tour de France coverage on OLN. What happened to this guy's career? Isn't he on the bus? I mean... I love the Tour and I used to love Jason, but in this commercial he prances around like a twat and shouts stuoid things. And is that a hairpiece he is wearing? I seem to remember him balding. Is he a client of the Hair Club for Men? Is William Shatner his spiritual father?
User avatar
Maverick
Top Gun
Posts: 833
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2002 8:01 am
Location: Brooklyn,NY USA

Post by Maverick »

Seeing that tennis score in print makes me realize how much I fell apart in the second set...and how much you rose up! Maybe I need more performance and/or lifestyle enhancing drugs.

France Legstrong, now that's humor. Whay aren't all of us on PA published writers, journalists, and jet-setting trendsetters? I don't know. Hop to it, people.
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

The third stage is today and thank god I am not at work today. Today is going to be a beach day for the Sloth family.

Now everyone knows that the first five daysis like a 10 year old girl. Flat and uninteresting. The real action doesn't happen until the pubescent Pyranees. So why not get a little history lesson in?

The Tour de France is the most challenging bicycle race in the world. More than 150 of the top ranked cyclists race along a course that covers about 3,200 km (about 2,000 mi). The Tour usually lasts about 23 days. A lot of people may not realize this, but bicycle racing is actually a TEAM SPORT, like football or basketball, not an individual sport like a marathon.

The course of the Tour changes depending on the whims of the organizers. The route is perhaps 90 percent in France, but usually passes through some bordering countries. For instance, this year the race started in Belgium. The route includes some of the highest peaks in France including stages in the Pyranees and the Alps.

The final stage of the Tour always ends on the Champs-Élysées, a place I have seen about 5 tour ends including Greg Lemond. Only about half of the cyclists who enter the Tour finish the race.

The race is of course not continuous. The Tour de France is a stage race—that is, it is made up of 23 or so races. There is a stage almost every day, and some stages emphasize a particular cycling skill, such as climbing hills, sprinting, or time-trials. At the end of the each stage, the cyclist with the lowest overall time wears the Yellow Jersey (maillot jaune).

There is also a polka-dot jersey for the "King of the Hill" and a green jersey for the best sprinter.

Cycling teams comprise nine cyclists. The strongest rider on the team is the leader. The other cyclists are called domestiques, and their only role is to help the leader of the team. They do this by allowing the leader to slipstream behind them, chasing down cyclists who have broken from the pack and trying to slow them down, or actually offering his bike up if something happens to the leaders bike. There are many other tactics and roles of the domestiques but that is a good introduction.

Like good little communists, prize money awarded to winners usually is shared among team members.

The bicycle team, like any other professional sport, has their own team of mechanics, masseurs, and chefs who folow them around.

The tour was started by Henri Desgranges, a French journalist and cyclist. The first race was in 1903. It became so popular that fans would attack the cyclists they did not like and put up roadblocks to keep them from beating their heros. Remember back then bicycles were faster than cars and this was kind of the NASCAR of france.
Serious accidents are rare in the Tour de France. However, in the 1995 race, Italian cyclist Fabio Casartelli died in a crash, becoming the third fatality in the race's history. The other incidents occurred in 1935 and 1967.

How dangerous is the tour? Three people have died in the Tour de France. Most of them have been due to serious crashes (going over cliffs, etc). Fabio Casartelli, an Italian (duh), was the last person to die in 1995. Doctors said hje would have survived if he had worn a helmet.

Crashing in the tour is commonplace. Every rider does it. Common injuries include broken collarbones, broken wrists, head injuries, hip contusions. Last year Tyler Hamilton, a young American rider, broke his collarbone and still finished 4th in the tour including wining a stage. People are looking out for him this year....

The second stage is almost at an end. Lance is riding comfortably near the front, 2 seconds behind the leader. He won't make a move until the Team Time Trial, where he will try to take the lead and hold it through the mountain stages. Lance faltered in the mountains of the Dauphine Libere, a warmup for the tour. Will he take a record sixth Tour de France? Only time will tell.
User avatar
Tom
Old Skool Pax
Posts: 256
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 7:05 am
Location: Smothering in time's tide

The tour de France

Post by Tom »

is just a bunch of men in a spinning class without pakis.

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

:wink:
If I'm making any sense, then I haven't made myself clear.
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

Speaking of Pakis, Mushareff is a fucking warlord fascist coup-causing dictator. He's almost as bad as Bush. More Tour news in the morrow.
User avatar
Tom
Old Skool Pax
Posts: 256
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 7:05 am
Location: Smothering in time's tide

Post by Tom »

Slothers wrote:Speaking of Pakis, Mushareff is a fucking warlord fascist coup-causing dictator. He's almost as bad as Bush. More Tour news in the morrow.
Let's invade Pakistan.


I love that Sloth said "in the morrow".
Nice.
If I'm making any sense, then I haven't made myself clear.
User avatar
Maverick
Top Gun
Posts: 833
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2002 8:01 am
Location: Brooklyn,NY USA

Post by Maverick »

He's got style, that Sloth
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

Okay Stage 3, time for another longwinded post by the Sloth. Today is the first exciting stage, a cobblestoned nightmare through the Ardennes. The route is a deadly trek from Waterloo to Wasqehal.

Norwegian Thor Hushovd is still in the lead. Time will tell how he deals with the pave (cobblestone) course today. I bet he will not fare well. He has never ridden on them before.

I visited the Ardennes region of France many times with my crazy Belgian friend Dimitri. This is the home of the very simple people. The Ardennes is cold and the beer is good and the women are slutty when they see a foreigner. This is the land of Rimbaud. This is the land of Chimay. This is the home of little else that has been popular since or before. There was a famous battle of WW2 fought here. The allies won and the tide started turning in Europe.

Lance is sitting comfortably in 8th place 18 seconds behind the leader, Blah Blah.

Let's take a look at some of the top contenders this year.

JAN ULRICH - Strong German raver (uh, I mean rider) who once tested postive for drugs. But unliike so many other cyclists, he didn't test positive for steroids, but ecstasy! He finished 1st in the tour in 1997 and finished second place 5 times later. Jan is still young enough to win (30) and Lance considers him the number one threat besides bad luck.

ROBERTO HERAS - Lance's right-hand man last year, this year he changed teams and is out to get Lance and claim his place as number one.

IBAN MAYO - at 26 and Spain's number one contender, he could be the next person to win multiple tours if he ever gets his first one. Heras won the most difficult stage last year of Alpe D'huez and he is feared more than anyone in the mountains.

ALEXANDRE VINOKOUROV - He is officially riding for Jan Ulrich, but it Jan falters, it could be this Russian's chance to shine. He finished third overall in last year's tour and was overall the best rider last year. FYI Lance doesn't really race a lot of the one day classics and other stage races. He is what is known as a Tour de France specialist.

TYLER HAMILTON - a short American rider who can climb with anyone and has a heart of iron. Last year he broke his collarbone on the second stage and finished the tour, even winning a stage. That is unheard of. He won a mountain stage with a broken collarbone.

LANCE ARMSTRONG - Winner of the past 5 Tours de France and former World Champion. Lance has that combination of speed, power, and climbing ability that makes it possible to repeat this many times. But can he do it? This Sloth thinks it may be impossible. He is also a cancer survivor. He is also dating Sherly Crow. Weird but true.

SLOTH'S PREDICTION: SOMEONE ELSE WILL WIN

My mate McCutcheon tells me I am the death of the party, that I drink the champagne before midnight, that I hate holidays, and that I think repeating greatness is an all-too-rare event. It's true. I just think its impossible to win all the time. I mean, everyone is gunning for you. In all likeliness, someone else will win the Tour. Someone we can't predict. Why? Because, for instance, the first year Lance won, the first year Jan won, the first year anyone ever won, no one was expecting it. To get 5 is incredible. To get 6 is probably impossible.

Why can't Lance win?

The course was desgined by Bernard Hinault (another 5 time winner) to make it impossible for him to win. He's a right French bastard, Bernard Hinault. He's my third favorite rider of all time (behind Greg Lemond and Eddy Merckx). There is bound to be a hungrier up-and-comers. And let's not forget Bad Luck. To win the Tour requires three things... tenacity, a good team, and good luck. You can't do without all three of these things.

Call me a naysayer! I am saying Lance will be dropped like a sack of pommes de terres in the mountains. I hope I am wrong. But as I said, this tour was designed against him. If he wins it, it will be one of the greatest victories in sports history. And for all you younger people out there, let's not forget that Lance is 30. Trust me, when you hit 30, things in your body change. Especially when you've been through as much as Lance.

OKAY. LETS TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING COBBLESTONES AGAIN.

As the race travels from Belgium into France, the route covers some cobblestone roads. These roads are not fit for cars let alone 15 pound cobblestones. When you ride at 30 miles per hour on cobblestones, its not a matter of IF you crash, its HOW BAD you will crash. It's not a matter of IF you get a flat, its HOW MANY flats you get. If a race favorite loses 2 minutes on a flat because a team car is too far behind, there is little chance of making that up in the mountains. This year's tour promises to be one of the closest of all time.

All the riders say the only place to be in a stage like this is to be near the front. If the guy goes down ahead of you, you are going to go down. A lot of the riders in the tour HAVE NEVER RIDDEN ON COBBLESTONES BEFORE. It could be a fucking massacre. Let's see and let's hope its not Lance. Lance is a pretty good bike handler.
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

17 miles from the finsih, one of the race contenders we talked about above, Iban Mayo, is in a world of hurt. He was involved in a crash on the pave (cobblestones) and so far has lost 3 minutes on the peleton (the main pack).

As anticipated, one rider is out of the Tour altogether, breaking a collarbone in a crash. Many others have flatted and lost valuable energy fighting back to the pack. Who's at the front? The smart ones... Lance, almost the whole US Postal Team, Jan Ulrich, and yesterdays stage winner, Australian Robby McEwen.

There is likely to be a great sprint at the end. No one will remember this day fondly, not even the eventual winner. This is suffering, folks. Riders say that riding over the cobblestones makes you feel 90 years old when you are 23.

At the end of the race, Robert McEwen managed to take third place at the line. which wins him the yellow jersey. The big loser of the day is Iban Mayo, a race favorite who lost 3 minutes. With the Team Time Trial looming tomorrow, it looks like his tour is over.

Yes that's right. The Team Time Travel is tomorrow. Maybe we'll see Lance in yellow again.
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

Thor Hushovd, the man in yellow was a bit pissed off at the cobblestones yesterday:

"I got the yellow jersey yesterday but now I've lost it because of a stupid crash," he said. "The cobblestones sections weren't too bad, it was the fighting for position for the 50 kilometers before that did the damage. Someone crashed in front of me, and I went down next to him. We tried to chase, but everybody was tired, and so the gap just got bigger and bigger."

Hushovd added: "I think it's stupid to have cobbles in a stage of the Tour de France. Paris-Roubaix in April is one thing and is a special race full of muddy cobbles, but the Tour de France is not about riding over cobbles in the dirt."
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

Well the team time trial went well and now LANCE IS IN YELLOW where he belongs. Now the pressure is really on. Its a bit early to be in yellow already. Will he fizzle in the mountains?
User avatar
Maverick
Top Gun
Posts: 833
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2002 8:01 am
Location: Brooklyn,NY USA

Post by Maverick »

I'm not sure how you've done it sloth, but you've made the Tour de France interesting! Maybe you should look into a career in sportswriting.
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

Okay its been a few days since our last Tour de Lance update. Lance is not in yellow anymore. He is in 6th place a few minutes back. This is nothing to worry about. It's all planned. The real race starts tomorrow in the mountains. All the favorites we've talked about are still the favorites. Lance is having a great tour. He hasn't crashed yet (100 riders have crashed so far) and he is keeping healthy and in high sprits. The luck gods seem to be with him.

Today there is a breakaway and renegades Gilberto Simoni and blah blah are trying to make a name for themeselves in this 9th stage.

Will they stay ahead until the end? The peleton is chasing.

Simeoni is an interesting character. He is suing Lance for some comments he made about him being a doper. Simoni is kind of a skinny dickhead. He looks like a dickhead and was once suspended in the Giro D'Italia (the wop version of the Tour de France) for testing positive for cocaine. He did the race twice however and vowed to beat Lance this year. Trust me, its an empty promise. Lance doesn't even ride the Giro D'Italia. For him its like you are me being offered a free meal at Denny's. We don't fucking want it.

What is it about bike racers and drugs? Lance is not a pill popper or a line snorter or a steroid shooter or a blood doper. He is a renowned beer drinker. After the tour he supposedly drinks gallons of beer for a few days before starting to train again for the next year. He claims drinking beer is his favorite pastime besides cycling but its obviously a distant second.

THE REAL RACE STARTS TOMORROW. THIS IS THE TOUGHEST TOUR EVER!! 900 MILES DOWN. 1200 MILES TO GO!
User avatar
Sloth
Swedish Sloth
Posts: 2540
Joined: Wed Oct 01, 1997 8:01 am
Location: Stockholm
Contact:

Post by Sloth »

HAPPY BASTILLE DAY!

What is Bastille Day? Back in the day before democracy, France was ruled by kings and queens. The Bastille was a large prison in the center of Paris.

On July 14th, in 1789, the French stormed the Bastill, freeing all the prisoners, and then overthrew the King, cut his head off, and formed the first democratic Republic.

Unlike America, The French are already on their FIFTH republic, but no one talks about that because no one got their head chopped off with a guillotine since then.

Is the Bastille still there? No. It was torn down because it was a symbol of depression. Now there is a monument in its place. The are is littered with cafes and bars and a lot of little salsa bars where people steal your girlfriend if you take her there because you can't dance.

Back to the tour...

On this day in the tour we saw some mountains. No one in the GC attacked today. There has been a little animation however.

Richard Virenque has attacked heavily and won all nine climbs today. And the race. At one point he alone had He currently has a 7 minute lead on the peleton with only 9k to go. It's always great to see a French rider win on Bastille Day.

THEN TOUR IS HEATING UP.
Locked