eavesdropping at the tennis club

Post by **mccutcheon** » Thu Mar 06, 2003 3:55 pm

This is a bit from another post. I thought I'd start with it. Because now I'll follow through on this post with more eavesdropping from the tennis club.

The same thing is happening to George W. Bush. At the tennis club I overhear all these older rich, but not as rich as they were, conservatives bitching and moaning about the money they lost, their failing health benefits, their companies and lifestyles going down the drain, and they actually blame Bush. One guy said over his Martini (this was at 11am, there is more than just tennis being played- and I got a new French mixed doubles player), “Who would ever have thought I’d miss Clinton?” And all his buddies laughed.

There was just a tennis match here in town. Andre Aggasi went out in the first round. Serena pulled out. After a match at my local club, where the talent isn’t half as good but the attitudes of most players are that they could all have been contenders, I was talking to this guy. He told me, “I’m not racist but the Williams sisters are bad for the world of tennis.”

Why do all people who know they are going to say something prejudice always prefix it with “I’m not racist but…”

So I knew where he was going with this so I asked all innocently, “Is it because they are so much better than all the other girl players?”

He looked at me like I must be from Alabama or something.

“No,” he said,” They are black.”

I thought that was a bit obvious. So I said, “Uh-huh.” Then he lowered his voice, unlike places in the south like Alabama; there are actually black players at the club.

“No, he said, how old are you?”

“Thirty-three.”

“Wow, you got the legs of an eighteen year old.”

“And sex drive.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, see you are too young to know this, but papa Williams is a racist, he is a black racist. In the 60’s he was a Blank Panther, he taught his girls to hate white people, that’s why they pull out whenever they want.”

I know for a fact that tennis players always pull out of matches, hell, Anna that sexy little kitten with the fine bum pulls out more than she puts out- on the tennis court at least. When people don’t understand something they break it down to the simplest denominator. Oh well, that is human nature. Black or white.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Thu Mar 06, 2003 3:58 pm

and before you get any funny ideas, when he told me I had the legs of an 18 year old he meant the way I can cover a court, not that my legs are shapely or anything, even though with running six miles a day and soccer and tennis my legs are shapely and nice.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Fri Mar 07, 2003 4:35 pm

What’s a Francophile to do?

I collect French National football jerseys. Yesterday I was wearing a World Cup shirt from the year they won it in Paris, not the last one from Japan/Korea. I’m in a tournament this week out at the tennis club. I had a match against this guy who kept asking me questions between games.

“You live here?”

“Just visiting.”

“Where are you from?”

“Seattle.”

“You look like you have that grunge thing going on.”

“I was born in Wisconsin.”

“You look like a guy from Wisconsin.”

“So I look like a grunge guy from Wisconsin?”

“Yeah. What’s you shirt?”

“It’s a soccer shirt.”

“You look like a soccer player.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What team is it?”

“It’s the France World cup shirt from 1998.”

“It’s red white and blue, not American?”

“No, France.”

“Oh?”

After that he stopped asking me questions. I beat his ass even though he had a better serve than I did. Afterwards I overhead him tell someone else in hushed conspiratorial tones that I was wearing a shirt from France. I didn’t understand the big deal. But I was glad I didn’t tell him I used to live there like I usually, proudly do.

That night on television there was some show that was talking about the Axis of Weasels- Germany and France. Then they were interviewing Jeanne that comic chick and she was sticking up for celebrities’ rights to protest the war. The interviewer was attacking her. And was astounded that she liked France and Europe in general. He asked, “Would you ever date a French man?” She said she would. The interviewer thought it was the most un-American thing to say.

martino · Post by **martino** » Sat Mar 08, 2003 10:04 am

this stuff is brilliant, mc -- there is a book or a movie in the making right here. "love in a time of hysteria" or something....

in a few year's time, when this phase of history is over, people younger than us will not believe how bad the jingoism got. you got the eye and the ear, it's good that you are writing it all down. makes me want to travel to the u.s. right now in order to provoke some anti-european diatribes myself...

marky · Post by **marky** » Sat Mar 08, 2003 3:50 pm

I was gonna respond to this the other night but I found myself speechless. I wanted to know what Martino was going to say first. I couldn't collect my bearings to speak. Great stuff, McC.
But be honest, you made it up, right?

Post by **mccutcheon** » Sun Mar 09, 2003 3:08 pm

I'm still fumming from one of the older players at the tennis club saying I have Bee Gee hair, so I sit by myself in the clubhouse. I have a little time before my tennis match today so I pull out a magazine with a beautiful woman on the cover. America now loves Spain, or at least Gear magazine does. They have done one of those stupid lists to sells magazines called The Gear 100 Hottest People, Places, and things on the planet. (Feb 2003 issue). The Evil Heat didn’t make the cut. Nor did anyplace that is very warm, for that matter, except if you count downtown L.A. which I don’t. On the cover of Gear is the #1 pick, Spanish actress Elena Anaya from the film Sex and Lucia (great film go see it) the tag line reads, ‘The new Penelope Cruz (only better)’

# 4 is actress Cash Casia, # 7 model Danielle Nogueira, #8 model Katie Nauta, #17 country Spain.

Here is what it says about Spain #17. (Which I must confess is hot.)

‘While the rest of the world stood aghast just after 9/11, the Spanish displayed the grit that once made them conquistadors: they hunted down and captured 20 Al Qaeda operatives before anyone else had even laced their combat boots. Experienced at smoking out violent Basque separatists, Spain held the global record for terrorist arrests for years, and since 9/11 they haven’t relented. Where their Euro-brothers (read, ponderous Germany and useless France) hemmed and hawed, they were quietly kicking Al Qaeda ass. In late 2002, a Spanish frigate intercepted a North Korean freighter carrying Scuds through the Gulf of Aden. Viva la Armada!’

Whew! What a country! I had to rethink to make sure that Jean Claude Van Damn wasn’t Spanish and I’m pretty sure Arnold comes from Austria. Then I thought to myself, what, no mention of Ibiza? I have been to Spain many times and liked it very much, but I know from experience that they don’t like the United States foreign polices any more than any other European country, even useless countries like France.

If you don’t believe me rent the movie Barcelona, or better yet go and visit. Spain is in Europe, between France and North Africa. And while you are there, check out Ibiza.

For me, it’s time for tennis.

xquisid3 · Post by **xquisid3** » Mon Mar 10, 2003 5:08 am

someone actually told you you had Bee Gee hair. thats so fucking funny.

i read in a magazine that the spanish accent was the sexiest accent. it was a smut mag so im sure the polls were taken from the most quality crowd.

i have to agree with martino-this stuff is brilliant!
(im still laughing about the hair)

h. · Post by h. » Mon Mar 10, 2003 5:56 am

hey mc- neighbor Isabel is half spanish and is moving there in a few weeks. That alone, I think, is a shout out to good things from that region.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Mon Mar 10, 2003 3:10 pm

This is how the whole hair thing went down. If any of you know I have been growing my hair out in protest in the event of war, and as tribute to John Lennon’s Hair Peace.

I had a match and was playing this guy from Ohio. It was a heated match and people started taking notice and talking to us on the switchovers. This one guy in the crowd (if you can count 30 people a crowd) who had, a day earlier played my opponent and lost, started talking to the player I was playing against. See it was the semis and we were both undefeated. He said, “So you are finally playing someone younger than yourself, how does it feel?”

“No, I’m twenty-eight.” The guy answered.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah and that guy,” he pointed to me, “Is thirty-three.”

“No way,” the guy in the crowd responded. “The guy with the Bee Gee hair? He’s like twenty-four.”

“No really, thirty-three. What’s Bee Gee hair?” my opponent wanted to know.

“You know,” the funny man from the crowd stated, “Barry Gibb, from that poster you have hanging over your bed.”

I listened to this the whole shit, while sitting right there eating a banana and drinking my Gatorade. In these types of tournaments 4.5-6 level, there are some good players but you don’t get any respect. Yesterday I won it all. I even got a little trophy. Not as big as what Lleyton Hewitt got for beating Mark Philippoussis.

And see I really can cover a court. Again though, not as quick as Hewitt, but that bugger from Down Under is still only twenty-two.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Mon Mar 10, 2003 3:17 pm

sloth what happened to all my tennis post threads from the last two summers? I was thinking of putting them all together for a novella. Not the Evil Heat Open but the Pax Acidus Open and coverage I did of the Grand Slams? You know when Kyle and Trev came to visit.

Post by **Sloth** » Mon Mar 10, 2003 5:51 pm

The cool tennis posts disappeared when I was trying to edit out all the goddam Bozo threads. It was an error in the program or something.

I need to move this BBS to a more secure program with a database backend. But it would take me about 24 hours. Then we would be certain never to lose anything again.

Better enjoy it all while its here... could be gone at any time!

(just kidding)

rabbit · Post by **rabbit** » Mon Mar 10, 2003 11:03 pm

NOTE: Sloth isnt kidding.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 3:09 pm

So taking Martino's advice (once again) I'm putting together a collection of my ramblings on the site about the war on terror and tennis. I'm going to call it:

'Living in the land of freedom in a time of hysteria, or rather, when the going gets tough the not so tough go play tennis.'

My posts from the South, tennis, and things I wrote about the sniper and 9/11 will all go into it, plus a bit about how I unknowingly played 216 tennis matches of tennis over two years with a CIA spy and never dropped a set. And things I continue to write on here and on my own. I have lots of material already. It could be argued some of my best writing is the shit I post here. So might as well organize it. So please, please, back this all up Sloth. You never know, if someday we get some recognition, an editor might go through the back catalogue of Pax Acidus and make something of it.

And maybe, even just maybe, Rabbit will get his act together. How does this sound?

End Cunt: Correspondence of Bad Behavior

Post by **mccutcheon** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 3:17 pm

and I got a funny bit called 'What would Patrick Rafter do?'

There are times when I play tennis and get into a bind, so I always think what Patrick Rafter tell me to do. Since he retired I had to ask myself what would Mats Saffin do? And since he's Russian, he answered me in Russian and I couldn't understand Russian, so i couldn't understand the advice he gave me, so I lost the match. It will be more funny when you read it all wrote out.

As I write this the great awsome Patrick has quit tennis while still in his prime so he could hang with his beautiful wife and baby and go surfing down in Australia.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Tue Mar 11, 2003 3:20 pm

oh and so I don't confuse all of you, I'm not serve and volley- like Pat, of course you would know this if you ever saw my serve. I'm baseline. Back and forth. Placement over power. I play old school. Like when they still had wood rackets.