Bulletin Board of Bad Behavior

i was out running the other day and out of coincidence, i met my old chum val eggman. (the fact that i was running is the only connection to the "sports" thread; sorry but i didn't know where else to post this).

we used to play in a band way back but he is now a dermatologist and has the usual doctor's malaises -- he complains about being overworked all the time, doesn't know what to do with his fucking money, dislikes his patients, yada yada yada.

so basically he is the worse for wear but at least he had some juicy gossip; for example about a local female politician who, according to him, has a spectacular body and some weird social diseases.

but i digress. what was really interesting, and the reason why i am sharing this with you, is what he had to say about what you might call the german male figure syndrome. you see, german men as such are not only unusual in the way they wear sandals with socks in all kinds of weather, but also in respect to certain physical characteristics.

my pal val says its all in the beer. you see, the oestrogens that are a normal element in beer tend to make a human body more female -- breasts included. you go to a sauna in germany and you will see lots of fat guys with tits.

but here is where it gets really gross, so hold tight (or click backwards).

all that beer and all that fat food in combination, gives a guy a pot belly, of course. now, imagine the effect that a really big german pot has on a body. a big belly, forced by gravity, likes to pull itself outwards and downwards, over the waistline. you know how al bundy used to say that "real men don't wear their belly under a belt"? that's what i mean.

anyway. all that pulling creates a kind of internal suction and therefore the organs below the hip tend to get sucked into the body.

so when you take a fat pot-bellied beer-drinking guy, he will not only have tits, but also a small dick -- it kinda gets pulled into the body. in fact, val the dermatologist reports that lots of fat guys cannot see their privates without using a mirror. that's why he often has patients with skin problems -- they don't notice the early symptoms of excema and whatnot...

i really shouldn't concern myself with such matters, since i am a wine drinker, but for some reason i found it significant. forgive me, please.

It's a good thing Guinness isn't beer.

I run in the desert and have no drinking friends here and Amanda doesn't drink. Plus we have a pool and a work out room so I'm getting healthy for once. My fifteen pints of Guinness down Kinkoras when I DJ’d is replaced with bottled water now. So I have lost twelve pounds and also toned up in the Evil Heat. Amanda says I have never looked better. That said last night we stayed in and drank Bailey’s Irish Cream and popped muscle relaxants and valiums and I made a mix called Narco Trainwreck Lullabies and I was floating in pure heaven. But today I feel like shit and could barely get out of bed.

I guess I like my beer and tits but I like tits on girls. It ain’t easy being a 33-year-old dipsomaniac. Hey Martino, what does the beer do to German girl’s tits? I have seen and sucked on many a nice pair of German breasts, I call them Nazi tits because they are so firm they do goosesteps.

Kissing breasts is my favorite sport.

My bro said he saw Sloth and that he looks exactly the same. And Sloth told me he went all pudgy? hey and don't writers need to grow beards?

Exactly the same?

Not exactly. Now I eat salami for every meal and I only drink Miller High Life out of 16 oz cans.

If that's the same then John Lennon was Ringo Starr.

Martino... you are married and over 40. Who gives a shit if you are fat. Only untalented 20 something people need to worry about shit like that. Be proud of your heritage and drink Lowenbrau and eat weiners mit saurkraut. Fart loudly and if the wife complains tell her it was a duck.

Oh yeah... since I switched deodorant I now smell like a Romainian peasant too.

ooh: i always say, when in rome, do as the romanians do.

and: miller high life? fuck that. pabst blue ribbon!

mc: i like girls who drink a lot of beer and move a lot, i.e. go running, dancing or do sports. the beer makes a girl more feminine and the physical activity keeps em slender.

champagne ladies are high-maintenence and the mixed-drink-crew can get psycho. these are gross generalisations of course.

ooh, again: you normally don't, but in this case i think you err. any guy over 40 has to take care of his body if he wants to get any. i think it doesn't matter whether you are married or not, if you want to get laid, you gotta pull yourself together. farting is a suitable way of expressing protest in social situations and can be an amusing party trick if you can play a melody, but otherwise i think it's not advisable.

spoken by a true ladies man.

I meet Martino and he is fit and youngish looking. I think if you get married and turn fat, like not just a few pounds but really let yourself go, it' sort of giving up and dying already. I never want to take myself out of the game. I run and work out and still will never be Brad Pitt, but it's the effort that gives slight results and also lets me know I try. I can't stand lazy people. Biggest turn off I know. I'm up at 6 am almost everyday, run six miles, write for 4 hours, and also keep a job. And these are just the mornings, ya know. It's the only life I got.

Well, it's good to invest in your health and you're
doing that and that's okay by me, McC. Can't claim I'm doing it meself though I do watch what I eat, I don't exercise.

Although the bus driver complimented me this evening for my sprint to catch the bus. Does that count? Ha ha ha.

No I don't exercise. I did years ago. But that doesn't count. Well at least you're into the groove and if you're into the groove, Mc, keep going. It just makes sense. Good for you, man.

Well, groove is in your heart. How was the pints with Slothy? and don't you owe it to your partner to stay in shape? Anyway I'm not a health nut jock, but as you age and keep drinking things do tend to sag a little, so you have to make an effort. Or it's FAT HELL as those of you reading Porno know. And what i meant was that Brad Pitt was 35 when he did Fight Club. And he was ripped. Though two things, I liked toned fitness and not fat neck buldging muscles. And when I said I won't be Brad Pitt I meant that when I'm 35 I won't have a body like that. But then again Brad Pitt won't ever be McCutcheon.

How about these for Pax Acidus tee shirts or slogans for end cunt.

McCutcheon he sure ain't Brad Pitt

Sloth he sure ain't Van Diesel

Martino for the next James Bond

Mavarick in Top Gun 2

Spikedrabbit as Alice

h. as d. Parker

Mark as Carl Craig

Today Pax Acidus got this email.

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Usually we get the Pax Acidus get a bigger cock ones.

Irvine Welsh ran the London Marathon in under 5 hours at the age of 40. he did it again last year.

The London Marathon?

That's something he has on Bukowski but not much else.

(my point in all of this, of course, is that i am terrified of getting an even smaller prick. oh, the indignity of middle age...)

actually, the guy i would like to emulate is marlon brando. he gets plenty even though he has the body of a whale and talks with a slurry, high pitched voice.

being mortal however, i have to stick to my own devices. i actually tried slobbism when i was young but it didn't work for me. more power to you, sloth, if it works for you.