I woke up yesterday with plans to go to a movie with a friend and be lazy. I decided to check my e-mail and indulge in my voyeuristic habit of checking the bb. I didn't get that far though. The first e-mail I got was from the former love of my life telling me it was imperative that I call him immediately. And then, the stupid messenger pops up from another of my oldest and dearest. No preamble, just “Ashana is dead�.
itsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotreal
My friend can't be dead. She's coming here to see us this month. She ran into M. last Saturday at a show and plans were made. She's going to Tempe to hang out with B. while he suffers through his break-up. She called me and told me she loved me and would talk to me soon, but we both were so busy, we never got the chance.
I am so fucking angry. And sad. And heartbroken. I don't have anyone or anything to blame. A stupid fucking fender bender with an SUV. Under normal circumstances, it would have been a big dent. That's all. But it hit her square. Lights out.
I'm angry that she's gone and that's it. That she hasn't made her 24th birthday yet. One of the sweetest people I've ever met in this world isn't in it anymore. Here I have all these goddamned pictures and letters and cards. I can look at them and remember exactly what we were doing.
I keep having these stupid thoughts and I can't make them stop. When K was very small, she used to play with Ashy's hair. It was down past her ass and beautiful. K called it making spaghetti.
I've had a picture up for the 3 years I've lived here. It's been in my kitchen either on the fridge or on the cupboard. Every boy who has seen it has always wanted to know who the gorgeous creature on the couch was. That was her in my livingroom after we went camping near bears and a glacier. Later that day we ordered Thai food and had a picnic on the floor.
Fuck. I hate this.
I don't want to answer my phone today because I know that it will be friends crying like I am and I don't know how not to be angry about this. I'm lucky I slept through 4 phone calls last night. Would have just been a lot of snuffling and sobbing.
I know I make no sense right now but I'm not seeing a lot of sense in much of anything.
I love my friend Ashana and she is gone. I'm trying to manage dealing with something I don't know how to, luckily I've avoided getting blind drunk. I'm sure that will come soon, like by the end of the day.
sweet girl
sweet girl
well like i said earlier h. things will be alright. and if you are going to get drunk, get your favorite bottle of wine, drink that then get a big glass of water and go to bed. you might not want to get too drunk cos you do have an obligation tomorrow..... i think around 5 if i recall....
sweet girl
I'm sorry H. I hope you feel better and deal with this tragedy. I will raise my glass to Ashana tonight!
sweet girl
yes bunny boy. I have 2 obligations at 5, one in the am to suffer through work. And the other to talk with this really great guy who lives somewhere in texas. I know I need to be functional. That's why I didn't grab that bottle of wine I wanted to at 9:30 am.
Slothie- If you'll be at Kincorras I may hop a bus and stop in for a minute.
I'd like to toast her with friends as opposed to alone.
Slothie- If you'll be at Kincorras I may hop a bus and stop in for a minute.
I'd like to toast her with friends as opposed to alone.
sweet girl
see you there!