Press Release

[Sloth]

FRANCE ATTACKS IN AFGHANISTAN
[Associated Press: For Immediate Release: March, 2002]

French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of
Non-Existence of God

Kabul -- The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan heated up
yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack
French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of
the remaining Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will
be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual
battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their
first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic
points near the front lines.

There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of
life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by
a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will propagate fear,
uncertainty and doubt by looking remote and unattainable.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence
in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense
and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said,
"The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous
proportions. There is no God and I can prove it."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's inescapapable lack
of freedom of action, with special reference to the work of Foucault and the
films of Alfred Hitchcock.

However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as
inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoke from the
Frenchmens' endless Gauloises and Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on
civilians in the area.

AP/March, 2002

[Daily Taylor]

That's great!