Break Time: from the machine

<jack c> · Post by **<jack c>** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 4:35 am

Does anyone else feel like they're not living, but rather delaying living by other means of self improvement or hobby?

Sometimes I get this sensation in my head, that fires my brain, like I'm going to die like this, having never actually lived, just making plans to live. it seems like an on going process, each day doesn't count because the next one will. Does each day just seem like you're making plans for tomm, and then tomm comes and you just make plans for tomm and then tomm comes and you just make plans for tomm and then tomm comes and you just make plans for tomm?

Is that how life is supposed to be? So drinking is great, accept when you lose twenty dollars at a bar and gotta go home because that was your only twenty dollars. It's far better than old friends. Beer will always be by your side no matter how much you neglect it or abuse it. "I think you drink too much, and I wasn't happy with you"

"Oh yeah, I think you drink too little and you will die unhappy just like you are now"- she didn't like that so much.

Jesus H. Christ wasnt just a great carpenter, he was also someone who lived life...not to take anything away from his carpentry. NEWS:WHAT IS UBB CODE? Hell if I know. How, by pressing keys, do words come up on this screen in front of me? How can I go weeks at a time with speaking maybe only a handful of words, and then I sit down and type and write so much and god damn computer has become another addiction, it's 10:30 and I still have 4 pages to explain why I think a Hemingway character was a nihilist. But does it matter because no matter how much insight i put into it, something will go wrong and the red marks will flow freely.

Just when it feels like it all should end, I Wake up and feel hope, that a new day is here, and there is promise in the sky, and it's pointing me south, but yet I still go north because it's less traveled, and there is no one taking that path.

Anyone elses eyes constantly red? Even when I'm bore sober my eyes are bloodshot, and my face droops, and my head is bowed to the ground.

I got a new job the other day and I work with this girl who told me to fuck off once and I worked with her the other day and told her about it and she told me to fuck off again but the rest of the shift she talked about her "women something or another power" class she was taking and told me that only 30% of women who have sex actually have real orgasms, that a girl can have sex several times a month for 20 years and think she had an orgasm but yet she never did. That's funny stuff.

Post by **Sloth** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 8:54 am

I feel your pain Jack. No really. I think I felt like that at times all through my 20's. Maybe I still do but the bliss of leaving America behind (for that's where America belongs, up my behind) is too great and I feel I have acquired some wisdom to help you.

Never give up smoking reefer! When I think of how many times all I wanted to do was kill myself and McCutcheon was always overdosing and I had to drag him out of the hospital so the police wouldn't get him and take him home and put his dying body in the bathtub and thinking oh God when will I get a girlfriend that loves me for who I am (when all I really felt like was an alcoholic drug addict talentless waste of food and oxygen) my bong was always there to comfort my existential woes. Its not the like the other drugs... its like a gift from Mother Nature...

And things get better! Hippies are always inventing stronger strains. Don't turn to Christ, turn to something much deeper... Yes it saved my life and it can save yours.

Go for it... And if there is a God let's thank him... for creating the plant that makes life bearable. Otherwise I assure you I would not be here to share my thoughts.

<rosie> · Post by **<rosie>** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 6:56 pm

j.c.
sounds like you are on a bender. reefer does help. so does another beer . don't let people tell you to fuck off. coo customer. relax, baby.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 7:24 pm

I'm glad I don't feel the pain, non pleasure of 70% of women.

McCutcheon- Out of the hospital for good.

Jack Chiefton · Post by **Jack Chiefton** » Thu Feb 28, 2002 9:42 pm

Thanks for advice.

Actually Rosie, I've been on a non-bender for days now. I was sober(well approx 3 beers in me) last night. Just had time to kill and thoughts to shit out as I was trying to write.

Mark, I'm taurus?(May15) and you?

Yeah Sloth, reef is still the best, nothing beats it accept the occasional mushroom dose which is impossible to find around this time.

<sarah> · Post by **<sarah>** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 12:07 am

Jack,
the hubby is a taurus; I wonder what kind of pair the two of you'd be!!

There are so many songs that make me think of Jack Chiefton. Today was "If life is a living room then I'm in the hall, and I'm glad. . . and last year is just a blur through a head full of beer."

Brett · Post by **Brett** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 2:39 am

Why can't we be alive? I dig what you're saying Jack. I have spent my whole life trying to prepare for the next step. It never comes. Drop it all and run away. that's my advice. 75 years, that's all we got. The world is a big place. Don't live in fear, do what you have to. Send me your book Ooh. Trust me.

marky · Post by **marky** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 8:41 am

Well, actually Jack, I think it's possible
you and I are astrologically timed together
in some way (what's your birthday for one?)
because the kind of thing you are talking
about is exactly what has been going around
in my head, and honestly more intensely this
past month than ever. That feeling of
"not living now but tomorrow", when today
never really counts because today is just
a prelude to tomorrow. Believe me, I know
just what you mean. I think I've just
gotten fed up with myself. I've been
trying to "kick my own butt" so to speak.

I too just started a new job. See, you
can scoff at astrology if you like but
I have a good friend who was born only
9 days after I was and there's usually
plenty of coincidences between what he's
doing/going through and what I'm doing/going
through, even if obviously we are different
people with different lives. Anyway, I
digress.

I don't know what the advice is I'm
supposed to be giving here. While I
don't think I'm quite as attached to
alcohol as you might be (which is
probably more to do with genetics
or chemical makeup) I do drink
an average of 3 beers a day and
like Ooh, I worship at the altar
of the almighty green (by the way,
nice tribute, Ooh). I don't feel
comfortable giving you a moral
judgement on drinking or whatever
....I guess I'd just like to see
you at least get to the point I have
where as I said, I'm just fed up
with myself. I want to kick my own
ass. I want to figure out exactly
what it is that I want to do most
in life (and for me, just choosing
ONE thing and sticking with it is
hard) and then DO IT. Once and for
all. Suppose we all die tomorrow?
What would you have to say for
yourself? What would you have missed?
What would you have regretted not
doing or trying to do? I've
struggled with these questions. I'm
still struggling. But I'm trying a
little harder I think.

I've decided that my dream job is
to be a record producer. Sound engineer.
Now I've got to figure out how the hell
to go about getting training for that.
I've looked around on the web and found
places that I can't tell are scams or
not. Anyone out there have advice on
this? My second dream job is to be
an accountant/bookkeeper. I'm going about
trying to get financial aid for school for
this. I've had 3 years of college and no
degree. Sometimes I get disgusted with
myself for that.

All I can tell you is every day I have
to force myself to keep pushing. Keep
trying to make tomorrow something real
and tangible. The only thing that's
kept me going is just getting angry
enough with myself. I hope maybe you
reach that point, too. What's wrong
with a little anger at yourself if
it pushes you to try harder?

Also, I know exactly what you meant
about thinking it's all shite and
then waking up one day and "there's
promise in the sky...pointing me south
...but I take north because it's less
travelled, and no one is taking that
route" That is also something that
has been hitting me hard as a realization
lately. This feeling that, although some
part of me has always been trying to FIT
IN with the bigger society and be
respectable or whatever it is, that the
reality is all my life I've still chosen
the less traveled road. I decided I better
face this because it isn't going to go
away. I'm always going to be different.
I'm always going to find myself out of
step with the majority, and people are
going to have trouble understanding me.
I don't like it but there it is. Why
continue to live in denial if it's
always going to be that way?

Well I doubt I've helped much and I
know I have rambled, but you just
happened to hit the nail right on the
head for me, and again, I do understand
exactly what you are talking about.

Mark

p.s. as an aside to Ooh...you had
quoted Thomas Jefferson (and a very
Virgoesque quote, too, eh?

)...I
am not necessarily big fan of
Jefferson, but I heard about him all
my life because he designed the
university in my hometown...so...I
guess when I think of him I think of
home. So that's kindof cool you quoted
him.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 6:30 pm

Have you heard 'Gohst Ship in a Storm' by Jim O'Rourke? Jim is a bit of a Midwest genius to downtempo-abstract beat heads.

Lyrics go, "And as I was sinking all I'm thinking was did I pay my rent?"

Post by **mccutcheon** » Fri Mar 01, 2002 6:31 pm

more lyrics go "I go through life like a gohst ship in a storm"

bicycleprince · Post by **bicycleprince** » Mon Mar 18, 2002 9:36 am

Jack C., I used to feel like I was not living; yet that was before I started riding my bicycle wherever I go.

I was not alive largely because I would heavily drink beer. And while in and out of blackout, drive or ride in cars between bars and later after-bars. Eventually stumbling into drunken slumber in a welcoming hostess' bed, on the floor or in my car. Sometimes making the booze fogged trip back to my own abode (tomb), but usually not crashing there until daylight.

I was dead through the day until going to my second shift job as a wine shop clerk, thinking the responsibility made me a contributing member to life. I would tie one on immediately after closing and occasionally a bit before, and then onward into the night.

The vicious cycle climaxed at 3 one morning when I totaled my car into an enormous parked pick-up, after a dreary tequila drowned evening. Somehow managed to get back to my bed, after leaving a note 'Sorry, be back in the morning' at the scene. A half an hour later the police dragged me naked and handcuffed from a nightmare. They had followed my trail of fluids and parts the mile to my resting place.

At the station, my license was taken; I was given the opportunity to reacquire it in 60 days, if I blew. However, I felt not deserving of the right to operate a motor vehicle. Not to mention that I had no money for another car and insurance and lawyer fees and court costs. Therefore, I chose not to have my BAC measured, thus, forfeiting the driving privilege for a year.

Since then I've come to consider driving to be not so much a privilege as it is a sentence to a steel and glass cage, after putting 4,000 on the bike. Cars are coffins.

Eight months after having my license revoked, quit smoking cigarettes, which is a sacrifice that continues to greatly distance me from death. And another month after breaking chain smoking, began a hiatus from beloved booze; however, will drink again, someday...the Pax Acidus words about Guinness on the bus inspire me

The year suspension ended seven months ago. I refuse to drive because then I would ride my bike less; hence, I would be less happy. I love my bike and biking. They let me feel alive and well.

With the money that I do not spend for car related products and services, I am able to buy more grass, which is of higher quality than what I smoked previously.

Mark, is your hometown Columbia, MO? Thomas Jefferson designed the state university there, but he was a prolific man.

Jack Chiefton · Post by **Jack Chiefton** » Tue Mar 19, 2002 6:25 pm

Jack- I loved that post, tragedy with a happy ending. I hate to say it, but I laughed hysterically about the instance where you totaled your car and left a note only to be dragged out of your nightmare in cuffs. No offense, I've done things of comparable fault, and I look back on them and laugh (well, most of the time).

bicycleprince · Post by **bicycleprince** » Mon Mar 25, 2002 1:46 am

Friday night I was designated driver.

My passenger, Bill, is a high school theology teacher and a self-professed “theological genius.” He is also a great impersonator of Burt Connor, the 1984 Olympic gymnastics champion. He did handstands on the bar and a stool and chairs. Most of the stands ended with him crashing headfirst onto the floor. He also did a floor routine.

The road was a 17-mile stretch through a CO alpine desert valley. It is not challenging terrain for a car or bicycle. But a rodeo ring I was barrel riding my bike in caused a flat.

rabbit · Post by **rabbit** » Mon Mar 25, 2002 1:56 am

I think everyone is busy hunting their own Marabou Stork.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Mon Mar 25, 2002 2:10 am

What a nightmare.