Bulletin Board of Bad Behavior

Been on a bit of a downer trip. Last week was fun, what I remember of it and all that. Then was chillin', we had nice weather and I was out running and playing tennis. On a night in I rented Angel Eyes. It's a great film. I'm not too much into J. Lo, (besides her booty and bust) but I'm not into her music, behind the scenes video shoots where she asks the spoiled diva, P Diddy or her marrying a background dancer, but I think Miss Lopez is a very fine actress. The film was different than I had imagined, Jennifer played a tom boy cop who didn't mind looking plain and I respect her for that. The main plot line was about a man who lost his family in a car crash, and that is a topic that doesn't sit too well with me and I was all teary eyed.

So last night I'm DJing a party and around 2:30 the cops show up and kick everyone out and I wasn't able to retrieve my equipment so I sat up all night fretting. At the moment I still haven't got it back, but I got a call on my cell phone (mobile for the limeys, handy for the krauts) and was reassured everything was sorted and I will be getting it back soon.

On top of it my computer crashed. I have access to a few computers and many different places to reach Pax Acidus and the web, but I'm talking about the main one in the Bottle of Blue Studios where the magic is supposed to take place. I've lost a lot of shit because the disc drive broke and I would back up by email and hadn't in a few days. So the poem ‘Masturbation is a Beautiful Thing' might be lost to the world forever. I'm not sure how we will live without this great piece of literature. The pundits at the Paris Review are already crying. But I also lost my new short story and 40 pages of the novel, and the shit ain't easy to just re-write. I wish I could have more genius tendencies (the only ones I posses at the moment are being a social fuck up who can't escape depression and self-destruction).

Ken Kessy has passed away, and I'm listening to Leonard Cohen and there is the song ‘So Long, Marianne' and I've also just seen the film Intimacy (with Marianne, an old Marianne) it brings back all the raging questions of life and death and beauty and aging. I can't comprehend the passing of talented Tara or imagine ravishing Julia old.

I created Pax Acidus to leave something of myself behind. It all started when I faced my own immortality. And decided to use the newest medium I was intrigued by, trying to create art with the future, to think ahead (while of course loving books and records—the physicality of it all) and I can't understand people dying young and I can't understand getting old. The people On the Bus have all done something to make my life better or have done something I admired, and I realize I haven't done shit yet. It scares me. I love this life and hope to muster the courage and talent to make it a more beautiful place. (My version, of course.)

random responses

dealing with someone who's passed away (whether you knew them or not):

I wrote and gave my grandfather's eulogy when he died. Toughest thing I ever did. I was wanting to put a piece of poetry into it and some one suggested "In Memoriam", by Tennyson. The poem is about the son of Tennyson's patron (some wealthy nobleman who gave him tons of money to just write poems) Tennyson was close to the kid and he wanted to write something for the kid and for the old man, too. It's really long, but I found these two verses that I said at the funeral.

"My love involves the love before
but my love hold greater passion now
though mixed with God and Nature, thou
I seem to love you more and more.

I hold you still and I rejoice.
I prosper circled by your voice
far away
yet ever nigh
I shall not lose you though you die."

Makes me feel better about what I have left of the people that are no longer here.

On the other topic: I stopped writing in my early twenties because I didn't think I understood the world. I wanted to see it and make my own impression before I could put my opinions down on paper. As I approach thirty, I feel like I've had a lot more to say and I know what I want to say. Kurt Vonnegut was over forty, married with a kid, before he wrote 'Slaughterhouse Five' and we all know how that turned out...

Get "Hand to Mouth", an inspirational read. It's Paul Auster's autobiography of his days struggling in his late twenties and early thirties when he wasn't even writing, then how he discovered writing again after his divorce. Once again, we all know how that turned out...