a broken heart

[mccutcheon]

a broken heart is nothing you can account for. No amout of money can buy the cure. Time heals all wounds. so as you wait for your broken heart to be fixed you are essentialy dying.

last night i was given all manner of compliments. beautiful eyes, gentele hands, and someone even said i was prettier than all the girls who were there. who cares? someday i am going to be dead. and that's when Pax Acidus kicks in. It might seem vain to put up some many pictures, none that show a broken heart, tears alone on a pillow, but that is not the point. It's okay to fuck up when you have a broken heart. You have to do all many of things to keep your mind from going crazy. You have to become self absorbed. because you say it out loud, you will never go through this agin, you will never have your heart broken. but it happens. in the back of your mind you know you can't live witout love. it's the eneral search. some never find it.

Tara is the only person who ever knew all of me. she is dead. tragically lost at the age of 19. one of the most beautiful, talented people to ever walk this earth and I feel sorry for everyone of you who never met her. but now she is gone. simple as that. sad as it is.

Julia got close to me but didn't like what she saw. she helped me deal with death. i can't thank her enough for that. now she is with someone else and I post pictures of myself with other girls. we go our own ways. it is okay to fuck because we are dying. and when we are dead i hope someone sees the pictures of Pax Acidus and sees my wide smile and (some I'm told--beautiful blue eyes) and never sees the broken heart. There is a lot of sex on Pax Acidus, but it is a huge site. dig deep. you might find the pain. but that is hurtful and not as fun as fucking so if I were you I would only look if you can handle what you find.

let the good times roll, the sad times always exist. smile even with a broken heart. and say cheese, here comes another picture. time stands still you live forever. and then you don't.

sometimes I miss Tara so much I want to do something that will allow me to see here all that more quick. but that is bullshit. Julia said that when the bad shit comes to your head you just have to stop it and say fuck it, that is just shit. her words are more real and provide more truth in blockin gthat then a fucking prozac pill. feel the pain. kill yourself if you want. I know it can get that bad. but no way i am doing that.

Tara can wait for me. anyway i talk to her all the time. and you might wonder whay i am writing all this bullshit. well Tara was the biggest fan Pax Acidus ever had and I have hundreds of shit like this I always delete. She always said I should post it. and I never do. so this is posted for her. i miss you baby. and Julia dreams of you. xxx you are always in my heart. broken and alive.