online journals, they will look them up when you shoot

[bfj]

up the place.

this kid in Minn. was an online poster. here's what he had to say, he's not a bad writer...

"16 years of accumulated rage suppressed by nothing more than brief glimpses of hope, which have all but faded to black," he wrote in an undated personal biography on one Web site. "I can feel the urges within slipping through the cracks, the leash I can no longer hold…."



In the same bio, he listed his occupation as "doormat," and said he was located in "endless scrutiny, Minnesota, United States."



When Weise turned to online journals and discussion boards to unload his thoughts, they were sometimes thoughtful, often cryptic and only occasionally hopeful, but one thing permeated all the writings: a great, weighty darkness that never let him be.



"I sacrifice no more for others, part of me has f---ing died and I hate this s--t," the 16-year-old wrote in his last entry dated Jan. 27. "I'm living every mans nightmare and that single fact alone is kicking my ass, I really must be f---ing worthless. This place never changes, it never will. F--- it all."

[sara]

If we all looked back at our journals from the time we were sixteen we would sound, different to say the least.

I know I would sound like someone I wouldn't want to spend an hour with -- example, "oh, my god, I snuck out last night, can't believe I got away with it. Chad is so cute but dam, he can not kiss. Yuck."

How my parents made it through that. I don't know.

For that matter I cringe at some of the shit I wrote last year and even some from last week.

I wish someone had been reading that kid's journal. My mom was always reading what I wrote at sixteen.

I think she has every scrap of everything I ever put a fat crayon or pencil to.

It kills me, really, how this stuff becomes the topic of polite conversations after someone is dead. If only . . .

What he wrote sounds like Kurt Cobain from your description.

[TragicPixie]

My mum never looked at my journals: online or on paper. I'm glad she didn't. My dad used to upset me and read my poetry - so I developed handwriting that appears like another language. Growing up I was a secretive kid; I still I am ... but I do keep online journals full of the stupidiest shit and venting - lots of venting. But anytime I go back and read things I cringe at the thought that my friends often peer into these things.

[sara]

i have found that my friends have better things to worry about than what I say online. Really. It's a funny story. If I ever meet you I'll tell you all about it.

And that's what friends are for. To laugh at you when you make a complete ass out of yourself.

moms on the other hand. goddamn she's a good one.

[TragicPixie]

you know sara I'm sad to say I don't think my friends do. I offer proof: my roommate just hunted down and is calling all her friends to read the online journal of a friend of her boyfriend.

[marky]

Wow, Sara your mom read your journals even at 16? Did you ask her to? I mean did you like it at the time that she did that? I would have hated it. Teenage writing can be so melodramatic. I think it happens to all of us, or at least the vast majority of us.

I actually don't write in notebooks anymore the way I have done most of my life. I don't keep an online journal either. (I had a blog for a little while but it was just music related and didn't last very long because I don't have time to deal with it)
But I have a stack of notebooks from about 10 years ago that I'm not particularly proud of. God knows why I haven't just tossed the stupid things. Ugh.

[sara]

"my roommate just hunted down and is calling all her friends to read the online journal of a friend of her boyfriend."

and this is why I'm hooked on reading other people's life experiences -- human behavior never ceases to amaze me. Does the friend of the boyfriend want an audience? If not, what the hell is wrong with her. If so, good for her for getting the word out.

"mom read your journals even at 16? Did you ask her to? I mean did you like it at the time that she did that?"

yes and no I guess. I would have been mortified I she'd read it while I was writing it. So no, but now she has this box of shit -- I found it this summer at her place, I could not believe some of the stuff she'd kept (and organized), but she did buy me poetry journals, and I made her suffer through every single poem as soon as I was done with it --

"But I have a stack of notebooks from about 10 years ago that I'm not particularly proud of."

Why not? I think writing is the most amazing thing.

"God knows why I haven't just tossed the stupid things."

So that one day your children can find them and ridicule you.