whatever love is it isn't for me and it is for everyone

[mccutcheon]

So last night, early in the morning, around two- past my bedtime by three days, I thought I had an epiphany, but it was only a waking nightmare. I ran into my X and her new boyfriend. I have been having trouble dealing with my pain and anger with this heartbreak. It was the first time I met him or saw them together. He was ugly, a bloated fat dumpy dude and she was, to her credit, still ravishing and smiling- laughing with nothing to say- just stupid really. She was the same with someone else. I realized these aren’t my people. I’m smart and sexy and my date that night was super duper smart and sexy. These other people- my X and her new beau- who was nothing in my eyes while the last few months I thought she must have found this wonder man…so I had to laugh, laugh at it all and get my sense of humor back. I don’t know her anymore and I know her better than ever. I’m sure that fat guy she is with is all jolly and makes her laugh—but she laughs too easy. She is an easy audience, such an easy target. Damn, I’m all right after all. And I’m being too harsh on the bloated bloke, so it’s two steps forward and one step back. And still I laugh. That’s when it hit me. Besides being too sensitive for this world and all that and having an aching soul, I was also projecting the failure of my last relationship onto the greater loss of Tara. And I can be a realist. Tara and I were never going to live happily ever after. But she was supposed to live. I laugh again and look in the mirror and like what I see. No one lives happily ever after but we should all live long. Now that is going to take me much time to get over, the rest of my life. And if it gets too bad I’ll have a couple pints of Guinness everyday and dream far away.