i am a fucking loser

[Kitten]

ha i could get you a date if she wasn't married. i am thinking about going to live in paris for awhile and my parents are behind it. i have been getting "help" for like 2 years now and it obviously hasn't worked. i think i've tried every anti-depressant known to man and they kind of made it a little better, but not much. my psychiatrist said yesterday he doesn't know what to do with me anymore,ha, and something along the lines that some people are just born to kill themselves and it's just a matter of time, and there's nothing anyone can really do. i am happy to be alive for the moment, though, b/c i got accepted today to my 1st choice dorm, which has a bunch of artsy stoners. it's the only dorm on campus really get away with smokin dope. and it has the most luxurious apartments too. you had to fill out an application on it with a bunch of creative writing questions and they only accept 6 freshman girls (& 6 freshman boys) so for once i feel a little special. i guess they liked my writing. i'm pleased for the moment.

[martino]

i'd sue your shrink for criminal incompetence

but seriously, you already have a solution on your hands. go to paris, by all means go to paris. it is not the answer to all questions but at the least, it will enable you to suffer the right way. (in this vein, i strongly recommend de botton's "how proust can change your life").

if your family is loaded, then also make sure they enable you to afford a suitably large pad. paris on a shoestring is nice but on the other hand it would be great if i could come crash with other splendid PA folks like mc, sloth et al.

[Tommy Martyn]

It is good to see the pax family in action. Mixing up compassion,humour,advice and criticism. Kitten, the thought of you ending your life breaks my heart. If you are in such a fragile state to begin with, then avoid drugs like the plague until you are on top of your game. If you get low then post here. I can't speak for everybody on this board but I am sure that there a bunch of characters here who will try to do anything to get you over a hurdle.

My wife (Who comes from a comfortable preppy background) spent a year in east africa after graduation. The break from western values and consumerism changed her. It is her ambition to take our children to another culture during their teenage years to get them away from the conformist bullshit of american high schools. Get out of the USA now.

[Kitten]

i have to go to college here back home my first year but after that i'll hopefully be in paris. at least i'll be in the stoner dorm, then maybe it won't be so bad. i'm used to being around alotta drunks that don't like potheads ha. thank you all for being very sweet to me this week. i've been a really whiny pussy this whole time i know.

[mccutcheon]

don't worry about it. by nature kittens are whiny pussies.

[bfj]

Yeesh 107 pounds and upset... From those I've known in your predicament it is mind-boggling complex. Counseling is the only solution, combined with a nutritionalist.

As for suicide, i can't remember where i heard it, maybe "Bringing out the dead." But pills aren't for those who really want to kill themselves. Gun in the head, fall off a building, you've got to be awake up until the second you go. Otherwise dear you may fuck up and actually kill yourself with pills. And then like Pat's brother said, "You'll be fucking dead."
That's it. That's all you got on this earth and you piss it away. Even if you are so fucking miserable you can't drag yourself out of bed, it's better than nothing.

Ever heard that song "Carolina." I'm wondering if people in the Carolina's would like it.

[Kitten]

my friend eric committed suicide a week before his 18th birthday this past february. his dad was a cop and they had guns all over the house and he shot himself in the head. there was no warning, he was on no antidepressants, and although he wasn't mr.sunshine, he never spoke of suicide ever. it has been very disturbing to me. so many people loved him b/c he was just a good person. he wasn't wealthy or a straight A student, or even headed to college, but he was truly a sweet person with a good heart which is something plenty of these other kids with benzes will never have. i still don't know why he did it or what went wrong but i wish he would've talked to someone first. i tend to be open with bitching moaning but he was pretty private and in the end that's kinda what killed him i think.

on an ironic note, a girl was out in my english class today- she's head cheerleader, pres of the class, etc etc- for guess what? overdosing on sleeping pills. what is this world coming to when cheerleaders and stoners alike both want to kill themselves? our society is VERY FUCKED UP.

but i am sort of glad to be alive right now b/c as soon as i "came back to life" so to speak, suddenly things have gotten alot better, at least for the moment. i thank you all again; i wish there were ppl like this down here but i live in a city like something out of "midnight in the garden of good and evil".

[Kitten]

actually youre right a gun would work better but my dads rifles all have safetys that i cant figure out how to work. but im 18 so i guess i could just go buy 1

[mccutcheon]

no one on pax acidus can really help you. we are concerned and can give as much advice as we can, but you need more than what we can give. you need to call a hot line or something, talk to a teacher and tell them your feelings. find someone in your area. comments like that worry me.

[bfj]

Hey Mc, back when this board was just a long scrolling list I used to say I was going to shoot myself and all. But I guess you knew I was a pussy...
One more thing kitten, don't go putting a gun to your head when your are intoxicated or high. alot of people kill themselves when they are fucked up. Look when I'm stoned sometimes I put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the refridgerator. This is not the kind of mental state to kill yourself in.
And if you can't stay sober long enough to kill yourself, well, maybe you're onto something. Be like the rest of us. Explore your self-destruction with drugs and alcholol. Not through channels of overt irreversible action.
Hey girl, you're not a cutter are you?

[Kitten]

ha no, i did it once and it left a scar and i'm so shallow and concerned with the way i look that i never did it again b/c of the way it LOOKED. and i don't get drunk or do anything else except some occasional pcp; i get high.

[Sloth]

pcp? I don't think I have ever tried that. I must say I love ketamine though. Or is that the same thing? Or is that the same thing? Hey, are the walls breathing or it just me?

[Sloth]

I did some research...

"Ketamine is essentially a less-potent version of PCP. While ketamine and GHB and MDMA provide out of body experiences and whack reality quite a bit, it is still a bit below the out-to-lunch level of PCP trips. But, of course, that varies with the amount taken and other drugs combined with it. And, flashbacks from ketamine are common."

[Kitten]

pcp is wild man, ive had it laced with pot and it was 1 of the scariest and coolest experiences ive ever had. the 1st time i did it i saw yellow rabbits going across my walls and once the sky was purple, the next minute it was orange. it started getting scary tho when i forgot whether i was alive or dead. i was FREAKING OUT sitting in the corner of my room in a fetal position thinking i was the only person left in the world b/c it was a nuclear wasteland. there is absolutely nothing like pcp. it's supposed to give you a "feeling of detatchment similar to heroin" (i read that somewhere). you can overdose tho, and that wouldnt be a fun way to die, so if you ever decide to do it you should be with a friend and be really really careful.

[mccutcheon]

Don't do drugs.