just a nutty h. post

h. · Post by h. » Mon Jul 28, 2003 9:00 am

Something in me recoils when I am asked to beÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ something.
Something to someone.
You can pay me to work but you can't pay me to perform. "Wow, she's cookin',"
as opposed to; "Look at that charming little monkey over there! " There is such a difference.
When you pay me to work, I'll find the dustiest corner to clean, the most difficult paperwork to finish. But I can't fake being me.
Oh, I've thought I could and I think I did a great job at it. But it never works for long. I always call myself out, feel wrong for acting like I'm something I'm not.
I truly am my own worst critic. I can only stand myself for so long before I come clean.

So what am I? A mother? Yes, I am.
Happy to be one. And from there? I don't know. This is my conundrum.
I am not sure of what I am. I am a woman. But I don't desire what women normally do. I never wanted to be a mom but here I am, a mom. And maybe I threw all of me into that because I felt guilty for being less than perfect. I'm never sorry for that choice, but I never knew it was something I would choose.
From there, I don't know which direction to look, they're all the same in the end.
And I'd love to be in love, though I don't know that I care to be. Most men leave something and then something more to be desired.
Maybe I'm hard.
On that fast track to spinsterhood.
Maybe I'm soft in thinking somehow, there is some match for me.
Maybe I'm wrong in being so particular.
But maybe I'm right in doing right by me.
How Am I to know?
I'm guessing, I should just beat whoever to the punch and acquire an assload of cats and one big fat fucking rocking chair.
Or not, who am I to know?

Post by **Sloth** » Tue Jul 29, 2003 12:16 am

Holly sometimes I miss hanging out on the porch drinking and smoking cigarettes with you.

marky · Post by **marky** » Tue Jul 29, 2003 3:39 am

Yeah, being true to yourself is the only way to go, but most of us aren't experts at it, and it takes some real effort sometimes. I guess the more we know ourselves, the better off we'll be, but again, sometimes that's easier said than done.

Fortunately this is most likely the last time I'll philosophize here. Otherwise I'll end up sounding like Jack Handy or something.

h. · Post by h. » Tue Jul 29, 2003 11:11 pm

You're welcome to come over any time and smoke and drink with me slothy! I've got a new view on my porch. I like it better than the old view.
And Mark, I think your deep thoughts are pretty neat-o!

h. · Post by h. » Wed Jul 30, 2003 7:06 am

got this great e-mail from the wee lass. Goes a little something like this:
boogersnot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love it!
I had such a good day today. I worked my under the table job, I drank coffee and talked to friends. I wandered up the hill and in the process of seeing Rosie leaving her place of business (looking like the beach babe she did today

) Running into McCutcheon and Maverick! Well, them and that other guy (happy birthday T!)
I really enjoyed the conversation and liquor. Missed out on Sloth and his lady though. Would have liked to have seen you guys.
And just so it is crystal freakin' clear, Mc... You know you are adored by K and me. So I can be hard and mean. But people are that way when weird shit happens. You know I love ya kid. So there!
"The trash heap has spoken. Nyaaaaaa!!!!" -Fraggle Rock (anyone who watched HBO back in the 80's will recognize that.)
And I've given up on horoscopes or pathetic mumbo jumbo shit. I'll just look to Maverick as my sage advice giver. He seems to be right on every time I ask for his opinion.
Thanks boys, it was truly an enjoyable evening.

Tommy Martyn · Post by **Tommy Martyn** » Thu Jul 31, 2003 12:45 am

I do not know where to begin with this post. I will say this though h. you are a troubled woman who is about plunge into deeper trouble if you are reliant on the sage like counsel of dear old Mav. Lurking behind those lenses of his are a mass of seething resentments. Did you know that he has a manequin under the bed that he pulls out when no one is around? He cuts out picturres of film directors he does not agree with and then pastes them on to the head. He then sits opposite them and berates them for choice of camera angles,lighting and editing techniques and such and so on. You might say that he is just passionate about film and is entitled to his view. Well, be aware that his "session" with Joel Schumacher went on for three days.

Still he is much better than using a horrorscope.

Post by **mccutcheon** » Thu Jul 31, 2003 3:45 am

J dog, Johnathan (breast pump) and his son want to come visit with you and me at yours when the wife is in England. What's a good day?

h. · Post by h. » Thu Jul 31, 2003 7:18 am

Mr. Martyn, we all have our issues.
I quite like the fact that we do, though I'll take Mav's issue laden advice any day. At least he doesn't tell me I have too many bottles in my bathroom as a passive-agressive way to say I suck at keeping house.

marky · Post by **marky** » Sun Aug 03, 2003 5:43 am

You guys crack me up, plain and simple. Mav, pasting pictures of directors to a mannequin's head that he keeps under his bed! LOL!

Maverick · Post by **Maverick** » Sun Aug 03, 2003 7:00 am

I must say that I am a bit taken aback at Tommy's perceptiveness...I do have major issues, especially with James Cameron, but he is not alone. You should see the weekly George Lucas Effigy Burnings. THey get pretty creative.

But I leave that sort of thing out of my advice giving sessions, which I mostly think of as listening, then asking freudian questions like "How does that relate to..."whatever. You'd be amazed at how much advice people give to themselves, then credit a friend with giving it to them. THanks for the credit, h, but most of our talks have resulted in you giving yourself advice, and me agreeing with it.

Just keep away from me when I start analyzing the emotional meaning of light and shadow in Braveheart.