Help! I need feedback!

[kissorkill]

I'm taking a writing course at NYU. The class isn't a pass/fail thing, it's just something to on a Saturday. I have to submit this story tomorrow. Please read this and tell me if I should be embarrassed to read it to the class tomorrow morning.

The Last Paragraph

...and he began to decipher the instant that he was living, deciphering it as he lived it, prophesying himself in the act of deciphering the last page of the parchments, as if he were looking into...

“Hi Karen! Well, you just always have your head in a book don't you? Wish I could lie in a hammock all day, just reeeading like you do. Thought with the kids finally gone, I'd have more time, but.... Do you mind coming over for a sec and taking a look at my roses? They always get those brown spots on them and yours are always so healthy.�

“Sure, I'll come over. It's probably that fungus; did you use that plant food I suggested?�

* * *

“I think next year, I'll just quit with the roses altogether.�

“Oh, don't give up. Maybe you'll have better luck next year. The rest of your garden is gorgeous.�

“Well, thank you for spending some time with an old lady. I'll let you get back to your book, now.�

..., as if he were looking into a speaking mirror. Then he skipped again to anticipate the predictions and ascertain the date and circumstances of his death. Before reaching the final line, however, he had already understood that he would...

“Hey, Mom. Were you just at Mrs. Parkers? She's so annoying. Her and her damn roses she can never grow.�

“Honey, be nice. She's just lonely. I think she misses her family, which is understandable. Speaking of which: where are your father and brothers? And watch your mouth!�

“Oh, they're out. Playing football in the park, I think. We're all still going hiking tomorrow, right?�

“Of course. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to finish.�

“Oh, sorry. Can I borrow the car tonight?�

“Yeah, sure, fine.�

..., he had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirrors (or mirages) would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment...

“Karen, I am so sorry to bother you again. You're still not done with that book? Could you come over and take a look at this dress I'm working on. I'm not sure if I've got the stitching quite right and your things always look so perfect.�

“Sure. Where is it? Oh. In your sewing room. Of course. I'll come over.�

* * *

“Well, Karen. Thank you so much. Would yo like to come over for tea with the girls tomorrow afternoon?�

“I'm sorry Mrs. Parker, but the family's going hiking. You can join us, if you like.�

“Oh, I'm afraid with this hip, I wouldn't make it too far out of the parking lot. Thank you, though. I guess it's just me and the girls, then. Why, hello Jess. Bye, Karen.�

“Hi Mrs. Parker. Bye, Mrs. Parker. Haven't you finished that book, yet? By the way, what ‘girls' was Mrs. Parker talking about? Her parakeets?�

“Oh, honey, be nice. I think she's got some friends from church.�

“Right. Okay, I'm off.�

“Wait, who said you could borrow the car?�

“Um, you.�

“Oh. Okay. Well, be careful and home before midnight, understand?�

“Mm-hmm.�

...wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment when Aureliano Babilonia would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of solitude...

“Oh, sorry to disturb you again Karen. Can you come over and...�

...did not have a second opportunity on earth.

[mccutcheon]

I liked it, I think avid readers (people who love to read) will understand, how when you are lost in a book it becomes more important than the reality that surrounds. I was a little confused when the son came back in when she was with Mrs. Parker and the dress, and if Mrs. Parker was senile and talking to the parakeets or church ladies. I understand you might want to make it vague on purpose but if Karen and the son hear Mrs. Parker talk wouldn't they also see whom she was talking to?

[mccutcheon]

I re read it and think I understand. They are not in the sewing room, but outside when Jesse walks up.

[mccutcheon]

I forgot to post what I liked best about it. How Karen couldn't get any solitude while reading her book. Do you have to pay Mr. Gabriel Garcia Marquez?

[kissorkill]

Thanks Mc! The only responses I've received from my friends are blank stares and "Uhh...I don't get it."

[mccutcheon]

No problem. Now I got this 400 page novel that I need help editing.

[Myke115]

Hell, McCutcheon. If you ever need help editing ... let me know. I started life after college as school teacher and got megga experience editing essays. Some were really good ... but man, some of those kids barely knew how to spell!

myke

[marky]

Well I'm not sure if this thing you quoted is part of some bigger piece of writing or not, so it may be that my attempts to help fall flat without that knowledge. But I got confused genderwise at first, because you start with a 'he' then it all devolves into Karen and Mrs. Parker. But I also got confused as to who was who amongst them until I studied it some more. If this isn't part of some bigger piece of writing it might be nice to try to clarify better who was who.

Only other suggestion I could make is the part where the mom (which I realized was Karen when I read it again) says "watch your mouth". That would probably be more believable if you put it at the beginning of the sentence of dialogue rather than at the end. It's unlikely that after saying a few more things she's just gonna jump back to reacting to what her child just said. More likely it would be the first thing she would say. Make sense?

I'm taking ENG 101 right now infact and I absolutely hate it. I didn't want to have to take it, particularly as I did PLENTY of writing in my classes when I was in college way back when, but they require it if you are gonna get the transferable degree. Believe me I fought them all the way. They even made me pay $12 to take the stupid placement test, which of course I scored high on. I just don't think there's much I can gain from it. I don't think of myself as a "writer" in the sense that McC does, but I can certainly write well enough not to have to take introductory English classes for god's sake. Okay, end of rant.

[xquisid3]

i liked it too. you clearly established the setting with hammock sentence. although i did have to read it twice to catch it.
dont you hate it when your friends sound like bone-heads? IS it Gabriel Garcia Marquez? nice touch.

[xquisid3]

oh and mark, i feel your pain. i hated eng 101 too. all they really care about is if you can acutally piece a sentence together and follow the MLA? handbook. what is the MLA anyway? a way for instructors to turn creative work into structured, boring, easy to grade pieces of dead trees.

[martino]

mark, you may not feel like a writer, but you certainly write well. you write with clarity and euphony, which i think are two very important criteria. rhythm too which is a common PA trait. don't let them crush your talent.