ass kickin chicken

[Braxton Younts]

POISONING
Gilbert squirmed in his seat before flinging his napkin onto the table. “Mom, I'm not having any grandchildren for you,� Gilbert forcibly stated, “In sustainable development class at Berkeley, they say our planet is over populated.� Momentarily distracted by the commotion, two middle-aged women stared quizzically.

“One professor postulates we should all be sterilized to prevent us from destroying the environment.� Gilbert pushed her buttons again, her face as red as her glass of merlot.

“Oh, that's ridiculous, Gilbert. You'd never--�

“I've been thinking about it.�

“Most doctors wouldn't do a vasectomy on a young man.� Checkmate.

“Bet I can find one if I look hard enough.�

---

Back on campus, Gilbert decided to rid himself of loathsome seed. Unable to convince anyone to perform the vasectomy, Gilbert and a group of friends got a wise idea and took a road trip to Tijuana to have the simple surgery. Afterward his testicles swelled to the size of honeydew melons. The student infirmary nursed him back to health with a heavy dose of antibiotics and bed rest.

---

Undaunted and walking comfortably once more, Gilbert attended a environmental rally headed by the student government.

“Do you drive?� queried a ratty haired girl with bells on her toes and rings on her fingers.

“Yes, but not often. Bay area traffic is unbelievable.�

“Vehicle exhaust is one of the leading greenhouse gases causing global warming, and will eventually cause the demise of our planet! The internal combustion engine must be outlawed.�

Gilbert was befuddled by her statement and her kaleidoscope eyes. These people had such direction and so much to say. It was exhilarating.

“I have a petition. Want to sign it?� she asked.

“Right-on!�

The next day Gilbert sold his car to the junkyard for scrap metal. He donated the $500 to a local charity fighting to save our national heritage, the trees.

---

“What else emits quantities of caustic carbon dioxide?� queried professors. Humans, of course. The pressure was high. Finals had everyone tense. In class rooms, students and teachers were unraveling the world's problems. Outside, Orcas inexplicably beached themselves.

After exams, Mom called. “Ready to come home, Gilbert!� she cried from the cell phone as she arrived outside his dorm. With his name on the Dean's List, Gilbert finished his freshman year at Berkeley.

In the car on the way home: “I'm sure they've been teaching you well, son.�

“Why do we have it so well? There are homeless people starving while I eat sushi and drink bottled water. Why?� Gilbert showed off the rhetoric being taught.

“Well, no one forces you to eat sushi, dear.�

---

Gilbert's summer holiday was lonely and primarily spent inside the comfortable air-conditioned home his mother owned in Los Angeles. She worked and he enjoyed guilty activities like sleeping past noon, nipping margaritas pool-side, and self-absorbed pondering.

Gilbert remembered reading in a pamphlet: Superior to animals, peaceful plants convert CO2 into oxygen. With eyes closed, he ruminated on the phrase. Gilbert thought of mothers and grandmothers locked into conventional roles. He pictured his father, a general building contractor, whose very profession fueled the destruction of precious timber. His grandfather died of lung cancer brought on by carcinogens billowing from factory smokestacks and cigarettes. He was irritated by the Detroit gas guzzlers and auto racing, industries built around massive consumption of gasoline. So many people, all brainwashed by a deceptive government and its megacorporation darlings. Then Gilbert shifted his thoughts to posterity and the children who would grow up on a barren, post-environmental holocaust Earth.

Distraught, but cocksure, Gilbert stepped to the garage, cranked the internal combustion engine, sank into the sumptuous leather seats, and waited for death by Cadillac. This was the only solution.

[martino]

gilbert is uk english for a booger. never knew anybody by the name, except of course gilbert o'sullivan, who of course i don't know but at least have heard of. in a way it does surprise me that not more people are called gilbert, would befit quite a few, but it seems randy won the snigger-name contest. not that it matters, of course

[Maverick]

Cheers, Braxton, that's the best piece of non Sloth-or-McCutcheon writing that I've seen on this site...well, actually it's the only non sloth-or-mccutcheon story on the site...but don't let that take away from the praise I am giving it.

Perhaps I am taking the exact wrong thing away from that piece, but it put me in mind of how much all those tree-hugging, cause-of-the-moment-spouting, mostly underinformed and one-sided activists drive me fucking nuts. Don't get me wrong, I'm for using resources responsibly and respecting life as much as, if not more than, most people, but I have no time for those who learn a few facts, then react out of that limited knowledge in an extreme manner, as your main character does. Perhaps that story might show a few good-hearted and socially conscious people who overreact what the rest of us see...