for the insomniacs

[rabbit]

Resting your head on your pillow, smell the fresh scent of clean sheets. "Maybe this will help" you mumble to yourself as you put them on your bed. Set the alarm with a knot in your stomach. Hoping, just for once that tonight won't turn out like this past month. You try to drift off to dreamland but your mind instantly hits speeder-mode. You try to count the blades on the turning ceiling fan, but that dries your eyes. You end up deciding that it turns at 45 rpm, but you are too tired to even dispute that newly found fact by trying to duplicate your findings. Turn your head and close them for a minute that feels like hell. Your mind pushes them open and you have the urge to peek at the clock but you see the seconds fly by twice as fast as you think they should. Turn your head the other way, maybe that will slow it down, even though you can hear the clock click over another hour. Try to go to sleep, but your mind locks down on that person who has been stuck in your mind. She seems so wonderful, beautiful, perfect. But the thing is, you dont even know this person. Your friends think you just need to sleep. You agree wholeheartedly but it doesnt change the fact that this person is still in your thoughts. Maybe if she knew. Can you handle telling them knowing your true feelings?, again you try to sleep but the brain continues to press on. Maybe you will tell them, but you cant continue to think about this. You do have a meeting early at work the next day. A lovely status meeting. Your stomach grumbles. As soon as the thought of getting up and having a sandwich hits your head, you realize you forgot to go to the store today. Too tired you rationalized 4 hours ago. You had the last beer when you got home. Try to sleep one more time, might get 2 more hours than you did the previous nights. No such luck. The person you dare to know more of, is a million miles away, but right in your head so far away and you can't do a damn thing about it but you would in a heartbeat if god let it happen sooner. Are they sleeping? What are they dreaming? Thoughts fly by. Others' dreams go along with them.

[rabbit]

the world says theres someone out there for everybody. i know you. you know me. its just ast though we havnet met yet. i can imagine us together forever. but it just seems like forever till we meet. i can imagein your perfect smile, grogeous eyes... sleep is a dream. i wake every other moment. pictures of you flash in my head. i see you walking down the street, at the little coffee shop downtown. you glance at me always. say nothing. i open my mouth, dry air comes out. silence is the only language i speak. the lack of sleep is killing. waking up hurts. the heart hurts. living day to day. you . my mind drifts back to you. work drags on and on. you are out there but who knows where you are. right in front of me? a hundred miles away? but the thing that tortures my heart and mind is just what if its not you? then what do i do? hoping, feeling, living, loving... try and press on but its hard. you feel as if its a waste of your time. others dont understand. your goal is a joke. they found the missing piece and have forgotten about the search they had to make to find that person. they realize that they could be crushed yet they still take it for granted. ive been told that im a romantic. hopeless romantic seems more fitting sometimes. its what you feel every morning when the sun hits your eyes. you cant stop it, just learn to deal. looking deep into your heart is all you can do to combat the effects of not loving. not saying you dont love at all but the missing piece is still there. seeing couples out together, you ask yourself or even them perhaps, do you realize how fortunate you are? there is no luck involved. some peoples time just flies by faster than others. no one asks why. an entire lifetime may go by. but that should not stop you from looking for that someone.day by day. week by week. you cant take anything for granted. that next bottle of wine may kill you. the moment you take anything for granted is when you have lost respect for yourself. the search for your "soul mate", you could call it, needs to be a vigilant watch. they could appear any moment. you may have known them for years, seconds. it doesnt matter. we are about love. we might as well go out and find it. its alot easier if two people are looking for each other.

[rabbit]

Why do you look the other way?

I dont know, its hard. Your wonderful, caring, loving, but I dont deserve you.

Why must you say that?

Because it wont work. We cant love each other when we never see each other.

That could change! I could change that!

But it wont, you know it, i know it. Maybe it just isnt meant to be.

Just look at us, we are beautiful together.

Yes, I know but then we are too different. You have your life, i have mine. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you. You will lose yourself while trying to find the one you love.

That isnt possible. When I am with you I have truly found myself.

You know i feel that way too, but your entire life, your friends, family will never be the same if we are together.

It doesnt matter to me, cant you see i love you??

But it does matter to me. I know you wont be happy with me. Theres always something bigger, better. You have your whole life in front of you. My life is already here.

But you said love can fix it all. how can you not say we are not meant to be together? you are the girl ive been dreaming about my whole life.

Dont you realize you could have been wrong??

I dont buy it. Ive been waiting for a woman like you. I love you.

Stop saying that. it hurts. God knows i love you too but the truth is i cant have you. it wouldnt be right.

of course it is right! i can feel it when you look into my eyes. i want you and only you. i could have the world and it would be useless without your love.

But you will find love. with your heart, you can do anything. you are the most wonderful person i have ever and probably will meet. just show the world your heart. you will find theo one for you. thats all there is to it.

its not that easy! paper looks much better than actions. so what will you do? what completes you?

you. knowing you is enough for me. my world and life is complete. now you better be going. your flight is about to leave.

I cant. i wont. you have stolen my heart and i wont take it back. the love we had, i will never find.

if you love me then listen. missing that flight will be the biggest mistake. go.

but will i ever see you again?

i dont know.

[rabbit]

throw it away. its like having a 4 billion dollar lottery ticket and just throwing it away. i always think theres something better. i should have learned the first time. dont fuck up. but i do and i continue to screw up and i cant stop it. she kisses me like theres no tommorow. i cant tell her to stop. i wish i could but i cant. i feel bad at the same time. she is so wonderful. i cant explain it but we all know what love is right? i wish i could tell her how i feel but i cant. i cry inside and picture us together. my mom said we are probably gonna get married but i cant believe it. i dont know what to believe anymore. too many things to take a chance on. but i know shes worth it but i speak and nothing comes out. my mouth is so dry it hurts. she doesnt know i feel this way but i wish she did. it would make it so much easier on me. some people just dont realize what they have when they have it and they throw it away.
guilty as charged.