Cashews- New McCutcheon short story not in first person

[mccutcheon]

The cashew, Anacardium occidentale L., belongs to the Anacardiaceae or cashew family. Most people experience the delightful taste of the cashew in its processed form. Arnold is nuts about cashews.

It's a typical fall Sunday afternoon. Arnold has recently arrived at Tony's house to watch the game on Tony's Wamzowie 72" Big Screen Television XXXLRG757 . Tony has better toys than Arnold does. The two men are relaxing on the newest Man-R-Thang recliners called “OPI!�.

Oh yeah, living for the weekend. Time to pop a cold one. Put the refrigerator back in the kitchen boys! Man-R-Thang Incorporated has introduced the ultimate recliner for sports fans. Tony and Arnold consider themselves the biggest and most informed, or at least opinionated, sports fanatics. The OPI! is the ultimate recliner for athletic enthusiasts; it comes with a built-in cooler. Tony bought them as soon as they came out.

The OPI! has everything an armchair quarterback needs for the big game. It's armed with a neo-thermo Icelandic electric cooling unit located underneath the flip-up non aggressive arm pad that is large enough to hold up to fifteen 12-ounce cans. Now you can drink beer without getting up to fetch it and with the built-in cup holder, you never have to strain yourself reaching for that cool beverage. This functions perfectly with the husky sloth-like lifestyle of the men.

What if you drink too much and have to relieve yourself? Don't worry. The OPI! has tubes that can be attached to the tip of the penis so you never have to get up to pee and miss a winning touchdown. There is also a hidden, quasi flap poop chute that allows feces to flow freely into the anti-stink chamber pot under the seat. Your buddies won't know you are going as your team goes on to victory. The OPI! even comes equipped with a fiberglass foldout one gallon bucket for the sports fan who may find himself vomiting from too much good cheer.

If you need to order a pizza or call a friend to discuss a play that the retarded near- sighted referee missed, simply use the full-size corded telephone located in the chair's other armrest. The telephone comes equipped with Caller ID and the memory feature can store up to 999 names and numbers.

Tony has Pizza Hit on the speed dial. Arnold loves the new gastronomic inventions Pizza Hit is always innovating. The extra gooey cheese stuffed in the Cheezier Clogger Upper crust is what Arnold favors the best. You can never have enough cheese.

The OPI! has a 10-motor Malaysian massive massage and heat ‘em up system that is perfect for getting loose and warming up before the game. As for comfort, the OPI! is plush and overstuffed, offering mounds of soft meaty seating that spans 61-inches from arm to arm.

And its curved back design and sectioned wings will cradle the largest sports spectator. This is good because Tony and Arnold carry a lot of girth. OPI! is available in a wide array of fabrics and leathers- there is even talk of incorporating team colors later this year.

Arnold knows that if Man-R-Thang does come out with The Packers Green and Gold color schemes Tony will upgrade.

Tony and Arnold have their deluxe chairs filled to capacity with ice cold Genuine Draft Dark & Creamy Full Bodied Lite beer from Stiller. Even though Stiller Genuine Draft Dark & Creamy Full Bodied Lite beer is a low one calorie offering from Stiller Brewing Company, nothing is sacrificed in the sacred flavor department.

The men also enjoy the beer companies' commercials; they are both funny with hilarious tales of male bonding camaraderie, and tantalizingly erotic with beautiful women in skimpy transparent tiny triangle cloths sloshing the one-calorie creamy hops over their tanned and toned figures. The situations in the commercials promise a better life, things that don't happen to Tony and Arnold in reality, but it's okay to dream while drinking frosty suds.

It is the first quarter of the game. The score is tied at zero-zero when Doris, Tony's doting wife, brings in a tin of Tanter's cashews. Doris places the cashews on the diminutive coffee table that sits between the two tremendous recliners.

“Thanks honey,� says Tony.

“No problem dear,� says Doris. “Just holler if you boys want anything else.�

This is what Doris says every Sunday. Sometimes when Arnold has had eight cans of Stiller he wants to shout out, “I want you Doris! I have desired you forever Doris!� Currently Arnold has had two cans of Stiller. It is only the first quarter.

Instantly Arnold's heart thumping gives way to mouthwatering anticipation. His stomach grumbles with a different kind of yearning. At almost $7 a tin, Arnold's frumpy frugal wife Gretchen never allows exotic cashews in the house. He wants to start munching, but being a polite guest, and always wanting to be invited back, Arnold keeps up his manners. He knows that there are many other guys down at the plant that would love to be occupying his position on the Man-R-Thang. Few people have the luxury of watching The Green Bay Packers, the greatest football team in the history of the whole world, while seated on an OPI!.

Then the unthinkable starts to happen. Play after play goes by and Tony doesn't reach for the delicious nuts. Arnold can barely contain himself. He starts to lose concentration on the game. Those cashews are calling out to him, causing unbearable cravings. Tony has never shied away from food in his life. What is wrong? Arnold wants to grab and devour the salted crunchy nuggets (almost in the same way he wants to grab and devour Doris) but he fights to keep his composure.

Cashews, cashews, cashews, oh I love cashews, I want to do Doris on this OPI! And then stuff my mouth with cashews. I want to eat cashews out of Dirty Doris's pussy! Gretchen probably never tasted something as good as cashews. I bet Doris does it doggy style with the lights on. Come on, come on, I want cashews. Oh please Tony start eating the cashews so I can eat the cashews, cashews, cashews…

“So you think MacBruiser will have the defense ready to play? Obviously the offense is useless with four, three-n-outs in a row. What do we pay the players for? Players, there's an oxymoron.�

“Cashews? Huh?�

“You okay? I said do you think MacBruiser will have the defense ready to play?�

“Oh, yeah,� says Arnold coming out of his confused internal dialogue. “Yeah, MacBruiser will have them ready.�

“Here, you look famished,� says Tony handing the tin of cashews to Arnold. “Eat these, I prefer peanuts.�

[martino]

another fine story by mister pape, the word masta. i could literally smell the farts embedded in the barcaloungers.

the subject matter is as foreign and unattractive to me as can be and the description is burlesque but i couldn't help snorting with amusement. nice

[mccutcheon]

Why Thank You Martino. I'm on a footie (soccer club) called Barcaloungers. I wanted Real Midriff, since of course, I play center half, the midfield general, and play like both Z and Figaro combined.

[martino]

'the barcaloungers': that was the name of a band in which i played some time back. i don't know why but at one point we changed the name to 'the fat slobs'. a band member's girlfriend thought that was too derogatory so we changed it to 'lay-z-boys'. the company hit us for trademark infringement so we decided on 'the coward brothers' but that was, as we discovered, already taken by t-bone burnett. worn out by the name changes, i gave up music. shit happens

cool name for a soccer team, though

[mccutcheon]

Lay-Z-Boy is after me now as well.

[bicycleprince]

lay-z-boy is quicker than the name suggests
good story....I like the advertisement quality of the descriptions.