I'm new to this gig, but I've read peoples' feedback on other posts and I'm hoping I can get some on my poem. Wuddya think?
An extra squirt of cologne
A brand new shirt
Push some gel through the hair
But he forgot me
I would have heard her voice
And seen her look for me
Heard the jokes that made her laugh
And seen her shining smile
At first I was with him every day
But not lately
While my match goes everywhere
I'm left behind
A funny young girl
With a brain between her ears
Makes him laugh
And wonder what he's missing
She has a crazy idea
It looks like he's game
So they steal away
With sand in their shoes
A full moon above
And the water looks like glass
Together under the stars
They flirt and laugh
He is funny
Has a brain between his ears
He makes her laugh
And excited about what she's found
But I am far away
No pale band hints I exist
None of his words suggest it
I wonder why she thought to ask
In between playful, tingling kisses
She asked a question
That was supposed to be a joke
But re-wrote the night
She cried, asked why
And the bare-handed bastard
Walked alone
To where I wait
Sandy Realizations
That's great.
Just don't ask him too many questions now that you've got him and you'll be sorted.
The verse tells a poetic story, with great ideas and use of language, but it doesn't seem to flow like it could. Or it could be I'm reading it wrong... or not enough times.
Anyway, thanks for sharing and nice to have you here amongst the endlessly drunk and hungover. I'll read it again when the ibuprofin kicks in.
Just don't ask him too many questions now that you've got him and you'll be sorted.
The verse tells a poetic story, with great ideas and use of language, but it doesn't seem to flow like it could. Or it could be I'm reading it wrong... or not enough times.
Anyway, thanks for sharing and nice to have you here amongst the endlessly drunk and hungover. I'll read it again when the ibuprofin kicks in.