New Pixie Poem - Please Comment?

[TragicPixie]

"Letter from the anoretic"

From 58 to twenty four my mind flew out the door
from 43 to thirty two, I only ever wanted you
from 38 to thirty four, I never ever asked for more
from 30 to twenty two, I never wanted to....

from 2,000 to a hundred I fell into a masochistic wonderland
where showers are long and cold as russian winters,
hard pins driving into backs, hips, tits, and bones exposed
where worlds separate, I am ashamed of what I've ate
midterm midnight ice cream rush, leaves me shattered in uncomfortable lust
my inflatable waist and ever expandable ass far too much for his hand to grasp
nights are spent running, looking for peace -
look just shut up okay, I know it hurts, keep going dammnit, you're not that weak - you can't be weak, what do you mean you have needs, no that's not right, no you don't, you don't really mean that, need that, eat that, feel that, think that, wear that ...
makeup becomes a saviour, that makes you look alive
concealer covers the dark black circles, foundation gives a tint of colour to the pallid face,
lipstick adds character and rouge a little life
eyeshadow adds to the illusion everything it all right,
coal black eyeliner hides the manic visible in your eyes
bra, t-shirt, sweater, jacket, coat, blouse
collarbone, shoulderblade, spinal cord, ribs, hip bone, wrist, femur....
heaven forbid your ankles be thick


I think the last bit should be cut out... but I'd be interested to know what you guys thought.
Thanks.

[Maverick]

I always preface my comments on poems by saying that I am not usually a fan of poetry, and therefore feel rather inadequate to the task of critiquing them. That said, overall it holds my interest, which many poems don't. The first bit of constructive criticism is technical-I believe you mean Anorexic, not anoretic. The next is more intangible: This poem strikes me as a spoken work piece, that is to say that it would probably sound better than it reads. Perhaps it is because I'm an actor, but I feel thatthe emotion of this poem could be better conveyed by an impassioned speaker.

On the flip side, the image that comes to mind of where this would be read would be in a womyn's studies class, or a cafe full of androgynous people. Something about the subject, I guess. Nothing wrong with that, of course...it's just what comes to mind.

Now see, that's why I don't critique poetry...I always end up saying something stupid, or potentially closed-minded. I'll leave it up to you to decide which (or both) of those my comments were.

[TragicPixie]

nah, thanks Mav Much appreciated.

However I do mean anoretic; an anoretic is a noun (one is an anoretic) while anorexic is an adjective (one is anorexic)

... well, then! lol Nevermind that I can't spell but I'm sure you get the picture. *goes back to her grapefruit juice and vodka*

[bfj]

I read the piece outloud right away. I'd advise anyone to do this with any piece of poetry. Poetry should be spoken, not just read. I really moves like a rant, good momentum and I really like rants. you were concerned about "the last bit" i'm guessing you mean the part about make-up. i think that is actually the strongest part. I didn't quite get the beggining numbers. i thought pounds, no, time, no, clothing sizes, no. Maybe give me a little insight. i also don't like things that rhyme, like the first four lines but that is just me. ryhmes make everything sound cute unless it is done really well, like dylan thomas, and with a very succinct meter. because that is rhythem...syncopation like in music. we don't like songs that just rhyme and hit on the top of a 4/4 beat. we like to listen to things that undulate and even seem a touch behind or in front of a beat. that's why i don't like that band spoon, although everyone else seems to. i don't get it, seems elementary to me.
hope this was helpful pixie, good poem though.

[TragicPixie]

umm inches for the first bit; mostly... except the first... pounds plus 90; because I like 90.

I like the makeup part - but I wonder if I should structually seperate it from the stream of conciousness bit ... or just leave it.

[Tommy Martyn]

Well, wouldn't ya know it. I do have a couple of things to say. Some specific and some of a more general nature. Staying with the latter I think you are trying to get every angle of annorexia covered in one go. There the is the body catalogue (Or if you like, catalog) The food denial, the guilt, the exercise as absolution, the construct of make up. Slow down. Take a breath. You don't have to do it all in one poem. Find one aspect of this life and nail it. Perhaps you could leave it more open as well. No need to spoon feed us all with a title. I would love to read more on your approach to exercise. (I once took part in an experiment on exercise and diet for a friend who was researching obsessive runners (Men, I should add) he believed that they were using running as a cover for what was annorexic like behaviour. (I was in the control group. As if you didn't know.)

Without having a copy in front of me I can't remember the small things except that I would scratch "Coal black." There is an old English comedy series called Ripping Yarns and one of the shows is all about the most boring man in England. His family all run away because he is so boring. One morning he comes down to breakfast and says, "Coal looks particularly black this morning Mother." Nuff said.

[Tommy Martyn]

Also, I fucking hate stand up poetry reading. Poetry slams should be held in the following places.

Guantanamo bay
The Titanic
Mt St Helens (date and time to be shortly announced)
Burning man (as long as they are testing nuclear weapons there at the same time.)

[TragicPixie]

lol oh well this was actually the result of a poetry slam - possibly umm... or rather a contest that involve many many shots, competition as to who could get the best poem off the top of their head, and much speed on my part. (So there ya go - I can't seem to make myself eat but I certainly will drink strange as alcohol has more calories...)

That's an interesting study Tommy - I would have to say that most of the runners I've met have certainly had issues - even if they deny it. I'm not really a runner, I just run obsessively because well - it helps me think. However, I probably do over exercise - I'm a dancer and most days go something along th lines of go to class (or don't...), go to dance, come home have a run, get a practice room in the gym and do some work on dance, then spend my late evening online, dancing, writing, out with friends...

[mccutcheon]

sounds a bit like M&M, which is good since it needs to be beefed up. U R The 1 For Me Fattie.