New Sloth Short Story

Post by **Sloth** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 3:17 pm

My latest creation. A short one. No gratuitous sex or drugs in this one.

PLEASE COMMENT, especially mistakes in the text.

The Windows Maven
http://www.paxacidus.com/previews.php?op=page&cid=471

Tommy Martyn · Post by **Tommy Martyn** » Mon Oct 04, 2004 6:13 pm

Sloth, at any point in the following, if you want to stop me and say, "Why don't you try it yourself?" You'd be well within your rights. I'm no writer, but until the baby wakes up I offer the following.

To me the piece seems rushed. Like you can't wait to get the end bit. Take your time. Even in a short story, most of the joy comes from the journey not the arrival. I would enjoy it more if you spent more time describing events through the eyes of the characters.

There is a sentence where you have the word helped and then later helpless in it. I would change that. I would stay away from a sentence like teetering on the verge. That can apply to a world of situations.

Please spend more time describing how she feels. Is she mad because her dad is cheap? Or mad at her self for being mad at her dad when really it's Bill gates she should be having a go at. Is this the first time this has happened? Does she need this paper to avoid flunking? Or was it the best thing she had ever put to paper? Does none of this matter because she's never going to get laid and she is already seventeen and her cheap dad has said no to a car and it's not like she is ever going to get a boy to bang on her window in this dump?

I would have a poster up on the wall for the Hives. This would enable the boy to change the subject to the evenings activities in a more naturalistic way.

It would be nice to describe the physical moment between the two. How did he come through the window? Leading with his groin perhaps. Did he brush against her as she held the window? Did he diffuse any of the tension by being businesslike about the computer? Or did his eyes linger slightly too long on her bathrobe? Did she like it? What did he smell of? I would like it if you used some of these sort of things to build the scene.

Don't think that I didn't enjoy it though.

Post by **Sloth** » Tue Oct 05, 2004 2:49 pm

Thank you Tommy. You should try it yourself. Writing does not take any special talent you don't exhibit every time you post.

You're dead on. I am trying to keep this one short. I am looking for ways to get into print and contests like short pieces short. Plus I like to keep people guessing as to what's actually happening. Like in this story the title, 'Windows Maven', refers to the fact that he is a master of Windows computer OS, and also spying through windows.

In fact, it seems too perfect timing except to guess that it was Carl was the one who gave the girl the worm to allow him to crash her computer at just the right time to get laid.

The extra description you mentioned (at least some of it) needs to get in there. So should the revelations I just mentioned. That would stretch the piece about 500 words but it might make the story work better. Please comment.

Maverick · Post by **Maverick** » Tue Oct 05, 2004 6:52 pm

I agree with Tommy, sloth. I like the story, but more description would be good. To me, there is not enough focus on how creepy it is that this guy can target, infect, and repair any girl's computer in order to hook up with her. That is a cool concept. Has he done it before? Does he have notches carved in his keyboard of all the girls he's done this to? But I see the desire to keep it short. I think you could add just a little more description, but not extend the word count too much. I look forward to reading the next draft.

Tommy Martyn · Post by **Tommy Martyn** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 12:38 am

When they short they mean short, I guess. They might as well call it the art of the telegram or extended haiku.

Tommy Martyn · Post by **Tommy Martyn** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 12:38 am

It should read when they SAY short.....

Post by **Sloth** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 3:32 am

Hey I don't make the rules... I just get drunk and forget them.

martino · Post by **martino** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 9:06 am

one bit of mis-spelling: "Can you get ride of them?Ã¢â‚¬? Rebecca pleaded."

apart from that: i like it. the story has an appealing, sparse style. long on insinuation and short on decoration and padding.

i enjoy short stories that have some "wow" and little "huh?". the ending is wow; the girl's whineyness and gullability is done so well that i wowed at that too.

there is a "huh": i didn't get how carl could just look into her window since i didn't understand the location. but that is because, being european, i don't have intuitive understanding of the suburban US lifestyle with its fenceless detached houses and middle-class tolerance of nosiness. you peek through windows over here and people call you a peeping tom.

Post by **Sloth** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 2:59 pm

Martino, thanks for the typo notification! And the kind words.

Post by **Sloth** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:31 am

If anyone cares the new version is posted. I tried to take everyone's comments into consideration.

http://www.paxacidus.com/previews.php?op=page&cid=471

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 3:23 am

I like the story a lot sloth. The only thing that bothers me is the part where he comes through the window. Her response just doesn't seem natural to me, she's not even startled. but now i just had a thought, don't know if this was your intention but...
it's interesting that the OS is windows and is infected by worm that broke through her fire wall and here is this worm of a kid climbing through her actual window and invading her room.
maybe you could play with that idea a little bit or maybe its me over analyzing

Post by **Sloth** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 4:40 am

He is a worm of kid. He planted the worm in her computer from home. Then he crashed the computer with the Pocket PC just before he enters the window.

Post by **Sloth** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 4:43 am

If some hot girl was knocking on your window would you be startled or pleasantly surprised? One would get over it quickly.

My guess is the same would be true for a girl. I am not sure lets let the females decide. So far you and Martino are taking the same stance. Maybe I need to add a line in there somewhere.

TragicPixie · Post by **TragicPixie** » Mon Oct 18, 2004 4:55 am

Sloth - if a strange boy appeared at my window and mysteriously knew I was having PC trouble I'd be highly disturbed.

Post by **Sloth** » Fri Oct 22, 2004 4:48 am

You seem highly disturbed to me already.