Well upon reading it the first time I thought it was good, the writing itself very good. I like the phrase "gloatingly victorious". I liked it when the girl asked, sarcastically, "can I help you?" - that was funny. Like she was so bored at this guy at her window. The only thing that bothered me was just the unreality of the story in places. The "oh yeah right" factor. But then that's just me and I've already said here that I get that way about fiction sometimes. Anyway, I found by the end of it my mind had been changed and I was willing to suspend disbelief and be taken on this fictional ride, only the story ended.
Since then I have found details:
"Now I'm stuck here doing my stupid paper [should be CAPITALIZED, those last two words, I think] and my COMPUTER [see how much more it conveys the passion to capitalize these words?] ate it [or even ATE IT! - the sentence is not ended with an exclamation mark is it? I can't remember]"
"This boy was truly wonderful, though {{t}} Rebecca."
"Worms gross! My dad gave me a wormy computer" - the sentence is not ended with a question mark.
Perhaps at this point you shouldn't be afraid to develop the story some, perhaps trying to keep it short is creating unforseen problems.
Or you could leave it like it is, what the hell do I know. I should be in pub talk right now but things are posted in other places.
New Sloth Short Story
Gloatingly
Victorius - that's the Latin spelling of victorious.
Would it also be gloting or is gloating just not a very Latinizable word? Gloatingus Victorius.
I always sit next to the same Russian girl in two of my classes. I didn't really realize I was doing this until today. What is it about Russian girls?
Victorius - that's the Latin spelling of victorious.
Would it also be gloting or is gloating just not a very Latinizable word? Gloatingus Victorius.
I always sit next to the same Russian girl in two of my classes. I didn't really realize I was doing this until today. What is it about Russian girls?
