Help! Romantic Comedy by McCutcheon needs help

Post by **mccutcheon** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 5:09 pm

thanks Tom.

Maverick · Post by **Maverick** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 11:27 pm

Technical notes first:

"That is when I saw her walking down the street. She was effortlessly perfect. Out of my league. Just another one of those Ã¢â‚¬Ëœmost beautiful girls in worlds' you see about twenty times a day in this city. What differentiated this girl was the way she carried herself. It was my type of style. Like if I had to dream up a woman from the heavens to match all my desires it would be her. "

-should be 'Most beautiful girls in the world'
-'what differentiated this girl from all those others was...'

Style- This version is much better and flows better. The end is still a bit abrupt. I think it might help if there was, in your meeting with her, something you had tentatively planned doing with her, but you were supposed to call her or she wouldn't come. Then there could be another section before the part about attending all of the meetings where you go to the place you were supposed to meet her, hoping she'll show anyway, but she doesn't. Then you go to all the meetings, etc.

I really like the last line, "I knew my story was over." It's a good ending line, and I know those are hard to come up with.

I also liked the part when you discover her number didn't save "like it never existed in the first place"

Overall, a good story, but as people said about mine, don't worry about word count and fill out a couple of sections abit more so that the emotions come out as you go, rather than all at once.

borgy · Post by **borgy** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 4:34 am

"most beautiful girls in worlds" is fine. this gives the reader (well, me, at least) the impression that she's not just the prettiest girl in this world that we are in but she is the most beautiful girl in all possible worlds. "most beautiful girls in worlds" romanticizes the beauty of the girl even more and adds more magic to the scene.

TragicPixie · Post by **TragicPixie** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 4:54 am

I liked it... it was good.

The only thing about the revision I didn't like was you took out the "Ewww" ... which I liked because it made me laugh (and I'm sober; so it's not just a drunken Pixie laughing because the drink makes her happy).

Post by **mccutcheon** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 12:56 pm

see that is a thing, Tom said to take it out, Pixie says to leave it it, in out in out oh what the hell.

I'll give it a week and see.

But thanks to all, and Borgy I am looking at your email...Thanks again.

TragicPixie · Post by **TragicPixie** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 10:42 pm

Well okay I'll give you a reason to keep it in then-it added humour (obviously, made me laugh). But aside from that I thought it added an element to the character that was personiable (sp?) is that even a word? Anyway, it added a dimension to the character's personality that was well... cute? Maybe not what you were going for but ya know, I liked it.