This is not a short one... its a Slothy long one. A long summersexandsrugsandrockandroll one.
Let me know if there remain any lame spelling mistakes. I edited this one about 8 times and then gave up. Please help. kisses.
Aaron's Melody
http://www.paxacidus.com/content398.php
After this one I am back to the novel for a while. Enjoy.
New Sloth Story
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mccutcheon
- New York Scribbler
- Posts: 4996
- Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2000 8:01 am
- Location: NYC
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glad to see you are still writing stories for ten year old drug addicts. someone has got to fill that niche and I say let it be you.
Here on some in the first half to look into....
you use ... alot and I don't know why.
...the Casandra's driveway...
...on the kitchen floor...
...walked in his pjs...
...face- on the floor...you don't need to end this sentence with this prep phase, on the floor. end it with face...
...first name terms...
I'll give you more to work on when you put the McMyke pictures up.
Tally-ho!
Here on some in the first half to look into....
you use ... alot and I don't know why.
...the Casandra's driveway...
...on the kitchen floor...
...walked in his pjs...
...face- on the floor...you don't need to end this sentence with this prep phase, on the floor. end it with face...
...first name terms...
I'll give you more to work on when you put the McMyke pictures up.
Tally-ho!
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mccutcheon
- New York Scribbler
- Posts: 4996
- Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2000 8:01 am
- Location: NYC
- Contact:
Good story Sloth! Nothing like sexy underage girls, raves and pills to make you nostalgic. You manage to describe it all so tht the reader feels like they are there at the rave...pretty good descriptions, to make it so clear to someone who never went to an all night rave.
Here's a couple of minor corrections...
There's one time right after you introduce Cassandra and Jezebel that you refer to them as "Cassandra and Cassandra"
The time when you are describing the main character's college in Manchester, you say he dropped out in 1998, when I think you meant 1988, or 1990.
Here's a couple of minor corrections...
There's one time right after you introduce Cassandra and Jezebel that you refer to them as "Cassandra and Cassandra"
The time when you are describing the main character's college in Manchester, you say he dropped out in 1998, when I think you meant 1988, or 1990.
Thank you Ralph!
Let's have a Seattle Pax reunion this week. Wednesday at that filthy bar on Eastlake near Mav's house?
I will hobble on down there.
And a public thanks to Mav who took me to the hospital and waited for me for three hours while I had x-rays, etc. The man is a saint. Saint Maverick should be his logon.
Let's have a Seattle Pax reunion this week. Wednesday at that filthy bar on Eastlake near Mav's house?
I will hobble on down there.
And a public thanks to Mav who took me to the hospital and waited for me for three hours while I had x-rays, etc. The man is a saint. Saint Maverick should be his logon.
IT was fun. I got topreach and sermonize and yell at fake FBI agents. And eat Pizza. Thats why I'm an actor.
for those who are confused, I just played the role of David Koresh (the wacko from Waco) for a History Channel re-enactment. I think you won't hear what I say, since it will all be narrated by a voice over guy, but it was fun anyway. The director said he'd email me some video clips when he can, so if i get a screen shot of me as Koresh, I'll try to figure out how to post it.
Wednesday sounds good...and the location couldn't be more convenient for me...what time?
for those who are confused, I just played the role of David Koresh (the wacko from Waco) for a History Channel re-enactment. I think you won't hear what I say, since it will all be narrated by a voice over guy, but it was fun anyway. The director said he'd email me some video clips when he can, so if i get a screen shot of me as Koresh, I'll try to figure out how to post it.
Wednesday sounds good...and the location couldn't be more convenient for me...what time?
Wow, I thought *I* had a discerning eye! Mav caught some boo-boos that went right by me. And good for you with the yelling-at-FBI agents History Channel gig! Please let us know when we can see you on T.V.
Wednesday, yes, what time? It would be fun to be in that bar again.
Sloth, I like this story. It's very imaginative, really makes you feel like you are there, as Mav said. It took me somewhere else for awhile, kindof like a good movie should. Thanks for sharing it.
But I do have a list of corrections which is rather long. Most of these are grammatical errors but there are a few times when you can just think of these as suggestions. I'm going in chronological order, here:
"I faded back to black". Saying you faded to black is already a cool enough way to say you went back to sleep. It might be more powerful if you just took out the word "back", and had it as "I faded to black".
Not all of those bands you mentioned were actually from Manchester: La's from Liverpool, Primal Scream Scottish. Not sure about Soup Dragons, but something tells me they weren't Manc either. I'd look it up but my computer isn't letting me open another browser window right now for some reason. I'll get back to you. I realize this may just seem like nitpicking on my part, but I'm thinking of how a person actually from Manchester would feel. There was a guy on the message freak board who recounted a story of interviewing The Fall, and he was totally off his face drunk at the time and started the interview with "So you're from London, then?" and they all stormed out and that was it!
The part where Jez explains how she took E for the first time: Taking out the sentence "I am hooked for life now" would be my suggestion. It just sounds a little overdone, but then she is a teenager.
Somewhere after this, there is a sentence that goes "Now I have crossed the line now." Obviously there's two now's in it.
After Jezebel speaks that Aaron has already taken an E, you use "reassured Jezebel." At this point it becomes suddenly and awkwardly noticeable to me that you may be afraid to just use the word "said" sometimes. Otherwise you seem to do great with this sort of thing, which is certainly admirable. I had problems with that when trying to write in school.
"Demetrius like Hip Hop & Jungle" - needs an 's' on the end of 'like' obviously.
Actually, this one isn't a correction: "Trees of Washington State flew northbound by us" - I just read this and thought 'what a brilliant sentence!'
"Pushing kids towards" (you mean pushing kids TOWARD)
"even more meaningless existence THAN our forefathers had" (I think you had 'then')
"decadent (add comma), backwards-thinking (add hyphen), fake-religious..."
"It will bring us to A new age of exploration..."
"Church is no longer spiritual for us free thinkers not locked..." I just felt this sentence could be structured better. Confused me at first. I also felt that by this time it was getting a bit preachy and too far away from the story. Might be better if you said basically the same stuff, but condensed it a little more. Considering there were a lot more typos in this section, I got the feeling you'd only begun to form this part anyway. Then again, this is only my suggestion.
"They want TO trade me two capsules"
"Melody (the one I like the most)" - I think you said twice before she was the one Aaron was after. In any case it was already clear to me by this point.
"Meat knows all too well his celebrity will only last for another half hour." Frankly, I doubt it. In the midst of such a good night, people don't normally think like that, do they?
I dunno, maybe you would. I wouldn't. Then again, if you're just saying that to convey Aaron's jealousy, then that's a different thing.
"Grabbed a fresh one out of my BACKPACK in the car." (not backback)
"Daydream Nation T-Shirt". I hate to say it hit me a little wrong, but it did. If this is supposed to be 1994, you just would have been extremely lucky to find a Daydream Nation T-Shirt for sale at a Sonic Youth gig. Most likely, you would have bought it off a fan's chest (preferably a good looking lady fan, ha ha).
In closing, the part about the biker ripping your shirt off bothered me a little because towards the end you mention Melody reaching under Aaron's shirt or something. It makes it sound like he just has this endless supply of shirts, and I thought he only brought one extra with him. I dunno, just something to think about.
Again I really like this story. It made me smile and laugh sometimes and it was very engrossing.
Wednesday, yes, what time? It would be fun to be in that bar again.
Sloth, I like this story. It's very imaginative, really makes you feel like you are there, as Mav said. It took me somewhere else for awhile, kindof like a good movie should. Thanks for sharing it.
But I do have a list of corrections which is rather long. Most of these are grammatical errors but there are a few times when you can just think of these as suggestions. I'm going in chronological order, here:
"I faded back to black". Saying you faded to black is already a cool enough way to say you went back to sleep. It might be more powerful if you just took out the word "back", and had it as "I faded to black".
Not all of those bands you mentioned were actually from Manchester: La's from Liverpool, Primal Scream Scottish. Not sure about Soup Dragons, but something tells me they weren't Manc either. I'd look it up but my computer isn't letting me open another browser window right now for some reason. I'll get back to you. I realize this may just seem like nitpicking on my part, but I'm thinking of how a person actually from Manchester would feel. There was a guy on the message freak board who recounted a story of interviewing The Fall, and he was totally off his face drunk at the time and started the interview with "So you're from London, then?" and they all stormed out and that was it!
The part where Jez explains how she took E for the first time: Taking out the sentence "I am hooked for life now" would be my suggestion. It just sounds a little overdone, but then she is a teenager.
Somewhere after this, there is a sentence that goes "Now I have crossed the line now." Obviously there's two now's in it.
After Jezebel speaks that Aaron has already taken an E, you use "reassured Jezebel." At this point it becomes suddenly and awkwardly noticeable to me that you may be afraid to just use the word "said" sometimes. Otherwise you seem to do great with this sort of thing, which is certainly admirable. I had problems with that when trying to write in school.
"Demetrius like Hip Hop & Jungle" - needs an 's' on the end of 'like' obviously.
Actually, this one isn't a correction: "Trees of Washington State flew northbound by us" - I just read this and thought 'what a brilliant sentence!'
"Pushing kids towards" (you mean pushing kids TOWARD)
"even more meaningless existence THAN our forefathers had" (I think you had 'then')
"decadent (add comma), backwards-thinking (add hyphen), fake-religious..."
"It will bring us to A new age of exploration..."
"Church is no longer spiritual for us free thinkers not locked..." I just felt this sentence could be structured better. Confused me at first. I also felt that by this time it was getting a bit preachy and too far away from the story. Might be better if you said basically the same stuff, but condensed it a little more. Considering there were a lot more typos in this section, I got the feeling you'd only begun to form this part anyway. Then again, this is only my suggestion.
"They want TO trade me two capsules"
"Melody (the one I like the most)" - I think you said twice before she was the one Aaron was after. In any case it was already clear to me by this point.
"Meat knows all too well his celebrity will only last for another half hour." Frankly, I doubt it. In the midst of such a good night, people don't normally think like that, do they?
I dunno, maybe you would. I wouldn't. Then again, if you're just saying that to convey Aaron's jealousy, then that's a different thing.
"Grabbed a fresh one out of my BACKPACK in the car." (not backback)
"Daydream Nation T-Shirt". I hate to say it hit me a little wrong, but it did. If this is supposed to be 1994, you just would have been extremely lucky to find a Daydream Nation T-Shirt for sale at a Sonic Youth gig. Most likely, you would have bought it off a fan's chest (preferably a good looking lady fan, ha ha).
In closing, the part about the biker ripping your shirt off bothered me a little because towards the end you mention Melody reaching under Aaron's shirt or something. It makes it sound like he just has this endless supply of shirts, and I thought he only brought one extra with him. I dunno, just something to think about.
Again I really like this story. It made me smile and laugh sometimes and it was very engrossing.