Bulletin Board of Bad Behavior

So, yes, at one point as of three days ago I thought I would stop drinking and smoking...tonight I said fuck it...drank two beers and so far smoked three cigarettes...and am about to smoke another. I cant help it, life is hard for me, spending a whole day alone seems like misery. I spent a lot of time reading the stories on here, they are funny as fuck and cheered me up a lot...I am waiting for this cute girl I have a crush on to get home from her cruise so we can fall in love sometime soon...if that dosent work out then I am just going to drown my sorrows in jib and alcohol...and if that dosent work then it's off to college to become a productive american idiot.

new to this forum...yeah.

Often times I ponder quitting drinking and smoking until I realize that without these two 'vices' the rest of life seems totally worthless. Fuck it we all end up dead whether it be of lung cancer or not.

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"I was looking for some action, but all I found was cigarettes and alcohol."
-Oasis

"Non-smokers die every day."
-Bill Hicks

Tuesday night Pax Acidus had an intimate little "druggie" party that lasted for many hours and caused the paint to fall from the ceiling and the stars to fall from the sky--Maggie's head is the one to thank for that along with some broken music, anyway it was such a high, which lead to us not being able to walk the next day. Now I'm back on my feet and feeling slightly fucked. Though I would do it all again. Gotta have my fun.

i had a bit of a binge of a weekend myself. chris and i went through half a ball of coke on saturday, the other half used the night before among six of us. then last sunday night we crushed an e tab and did lines of that. that hurt my sinuses a little. yesterday we ate pot brownies. i haven't binged like that in quite awhile. it was fun. cheers~nabi

Long live the BINGE!!!! At leat until it makes you collapse, of course.

i didn't collapse. but i got a bit maudlin over a lamp that i thought belonged to me but doesn't. i felt like my brain was coated in marshmallow all day monday so i called in sick and played backgammon and ate pot brownies. yay for unannounced three day weekends! yay for announced ones, too, as i get next monday off. yay! someday i will never have to work again. mccutcheon you know how i am with jobs. i suck at them. cheers~nabi

sucking at jobs is my fucking problem, every job I get involved in seems to outcast me, probably because i hate being told what to do by fellow employees and managers always become assholes once you have worked a considerable amount of time at one place. I am probley one of the least emotional acceptable members of a work crew, i change my mind in a matter of minutes, call in sick all the time...and I never look at my task or work seriously unless I am in dieing need of cash. All jobs seem so petty to me, most often producing products for people who dont value anything...if you know what i mean. Tomorrow should be good, going to pick up my crush and spending the day off to drive around feeling special...tonight was kinda shitty, I had to watch a bunch of drama, and some girl throw herself around like a living rag doll, mushed inside and out...very attrative female, but for some reason disgustly problematic...I guess some people just dont influence a positive sense of personality, or maybe I just get offended by people like myself. never know...and I am always questioning my intentions and desires...right now I feel like a post card with no return address...floating around in someones mind, who has no idea what words mean what and what sense to make of this mystery message.

maybe masturbation will kill this position.

this is an edited email from my hubby -- the point being I want to retire and never have kids and be Captain Dave -- I wish I was sixty: "I met an amazing man
last night. His name is "Captain Dave!" He lives on his sailboat in the
marina down here in Key West. I got to talking to him at "Hog's Breath
Saloon." Take a guess who he looks like? Yep! Good 'ole Papa himself,
Ernest Hemmingway. He said he always has to stop and take pictures with the
tourists, but he has never entered a look-alike contest. We talked for
hours, and I was totally amazed. He will turn 68 this November, and he is
retired from the phone company as a matter of fact. He is originally from
Ontario, Canada and he moved down to Fort Walton Beach in western Florida,
you know where that is, in the 60's. He had just pulled back
in from a four day outing, in which, he was tangled in crab traps several
times and he had to dive under the boat to cut himself free. His only
sailing companion, "crew" if you will, is his three-legged cat named
"Charlie Mon." Baby when he was describing floating off the coast of one of
the small islands off the southern most tip of the cays, even further south
than Key West, I could imagine standing out on the deck of his boat with
him. He was a great story teller! I hope that he realizes that I will
never forget him. He was really pleased when I said that I would keep in touch. He lives, he answers to God, and Charlie Mon and himself. That's it! I told him it reminded of the scene in "Easyrider"
when Peter Fonda was at the Farmer's house and he told him, he should be
proud of what he had, he was truly FREE! Captain Dave had a sparkle in his
eye the whole time I was talking to him and he really enjoyed the
comparison, although he had never seen the movie. I asked him if he had
worked anywhere else after he had retired, and he said that he had worked a
few odd jobs here and there, but he said that he told his last boss,"'Ya
know I've worked for assholes like you all my life,...and I'm not going to
do it anymore!" And he hasn't worked for anyone since"
Here's to Captain Dave!

i always think about up and getting away, i never pictured myself on a boat sailing to the unknown, more as if driving down roads to lead me to some point or place that will be called my home soon enough...but my fear is that of leaving all I have been and pretend to be behind...this house that i live in, this city that I hate has some fantastic hold on me. I try to rationalize its being, its power, but I always end up just realizing that I dont want to leave the friends I have made, the loves I know and will maybe one day know...everyone around here, everyone it seems from the east wants to head west, and everyone from the west wants to head east...personally I want to head more east, london, england...that will someday, one day be my home. I have never been anywhere that felt so good...so comfortable and accepting, even as a tourist I felt warmed by the presence of the city, and my heart longs for it every day that passes...I guess because when i was in london I came to a recognition, a trip with my parents and I was about to run away and stay in the uk for the rest of my life, but I second guessed my decision and michigan is where I have lived forever...I miss that feeling of unpronounced reaction to thought...I miss being able to find no one, nothing to hold me to home, having no one to call anyone is an amazing freedom that not all of us get to know...and having someone to call home is also the same...a catch-22 if you may. i am also locked in decision, I put so much weight on my choice I never make one.

have you ever wondered what those strange people who don't smoke or drink do? i've finnally come to terms with my addiction to the substances which will probably kill me, life seemed too boring without them.

Ya gotta have fun while still alive. I get bored with sobriety way too easy.